Insecure Elephants All in a Room

Listen, I'm going to get real honest real fast.

I'm really insecure.

I am absolutely terrified of failing. Do you ever remember having to show your parents an F that you got on a test, or worse, your report card? That feeling of terror, dread, and disappointment all seasoned with a pinch of cynicism...I'm constantly feeling as though I'm standing in the middle of The Arc of de Triomphe paralyzed. Any avenue could take me anywhere in Paris, but I'm too afraid to take the risk of crossing the street to get anywhere.

The funny thing is, I'm not really scared of letting Evan down, my family, or my friends; I'm lucky enough to have such amazing people in my life, that if I lit my farts on fire for a living, they probably would think I'm still pretty awesome. Letting myself down is another thing.

I love taking pictures. Especially meaningful pictures (duh).Yeah I've taken engagement pictures, kid's pictures, and some senior portraits, but my favorite pictures and the stolen moments. The kind where I'm floating around a party and no one seems to notice me. There isn't a demand for happy families, styled hair, or the perfect shot. I'm in love for every minute of it: until I feel the pressure. As soon as I feel that pressure of getting a perfect shot breathing on my neck: I panic. I overexpose, I underexpose, I cut off heads, and frankly act like I have no clue as to what I'm doing.

I'll get home and download my pictures and hate every single one of them. If the picture I had in mind didn't turn out right I get angry, my cheeks flush, and I feel like I never want to pick up my camera again. I'm frustrated not knowing how to work my camera to get a specific shot. I dread giving pictures to people. I'll spend hours trying to edit them to satisfaction only to fail in my eyes.
Eventually I decided that if I never actually committed to being a full time photographer, and just did it for "fun" and not as a professional, I could never fail. While this is ultimately true, it currently leaves me in a constant torturous and dissatisfied state of mind. One day I'm ready to break out, fulfill my dreams and do what I love. The next day I'm retreating back into a corner, beating myself up, thinking I'm out of my mind.

Then something happened. A few weeks ago I stumbled across Christina Greve, who is a photographer and life coach. I read this article  and felt like she wrote it just for me. It completely expressed, and shot down all the bad things I believed to be true about myself, especially when it came to taking pictures. I am not a crier, but I tear up every time I read it, because deep down I know its painfully true.

Right now I'm a little embarrassed to report that I'm still standing in  the middle of The Arc of de Triomphe. But, I can feel the roots of self-doubt and insecurities slowly disentangling themselves away from me. I'm accepting that its ok to not produce high quality, picture perfect pictures right off the bat. Its going to take time, motivation, and drive to accomplish skills that I want to possess. All of those things can't happen in a day, or even a year. I took pictures of spring around here, and I guess that's a good place as any to start.      

How to talk yourself out of chocolate cake.

Yesterday since it was Easter, I wanted to do something to make the day feel special. 

Since I didn't color Easter eggs, set out my bunny candy bowl, or go to church, (oops) I figured I would make a cake. Dessert is something hard to come by here...if we do have dessert we normally go out or make it specifically to take somewhere and give it away so it doesn't end up sitting at our house with me eating it. I can't be left alone with dessert. I have a problem, and I have no intention of fixing it. I cannot be left to my own devices when it comes to dessert, especially any form of chocolate dessert. Evan is usually my sponsor of sorts, reminding me when I get that obsessive look in my eye to "Step away from the sweets!" 

I made a Chocolate Mayo Cake from my cookbook: The Joy of Cooking. It sounds absolutely disgusting, but I knew the mayo would be like putting scour cream into a cake; all it does is make is super moist and delicious. I was completely out of milk, and this recipe didn't call for it which was a bonus. The cake itself turned out great! The texture is like a cake mix, very soft and fluffy. The chocolate flavor is excellent. I like the melted chocolate instead of a cocoa, it makes for a better chocolate flavor. Note to inexperienced bakers like myself: Do not add anything when you're melting chocolate chips in the microwave (like butter). All it does is turn the chocolate into a clumpy, chalk mess. Try #2 on melting chocolate worked much better. Next time I will add some salt, the recipe doesn't call for it, but it think it would make it perfect. 

As the cakes were cooling on the counter, my phone rang in the living room. It was Evan calling to wish me a Happy Easter. I walked out of the kitchen for .2145 seconds to get it. When I returned someone sampled my cake. I'm sure you can figure out who.

I know I shouldn't get mad, but I did. This week Scout has been asking to be grounded. Exasperated I started wailing "Scout! Come on!" He just stood there and looked completely baffled. He is kind of the Houdini of playing dumb. Annoyed, but determined I continued on.

Things were a slippery slope from here. 

My icing was a complete failure. If you can't tell from the picture it looks like Little Foot and his dinosoar friends walked through my icing. There were puddles of liquid in the bottom...I still can't figure out what I did wrong. The thing that makes me mad about it is the recipe called to 2 whole sticks of butter...2 sticks of organic butter ruined. I hate things being wasted, not to mention the cost of organic butter...ugh I'll get over it, it just makes my wallet let out a slow whine when it opens. It tasted ok, but the texture was awful and ruined any form of good flavor it had. I couldn't make more icing because I was out of powered sugar. 

So I ended up with a half eaten, dog slobbered cake, with no icing. Its almost impossible for me to cook anything without using every bowl, spoon, and pan in my whole house, so by the time I cleaned up the severe mess, I didn't even want to look at the stupid chocolate cake. I took one bite; That ladies and gentleman is how you talk yourself out of chocolate cake.