How to talk yourself out of chocolate cake.

Yesterday since it was Easter, I wanted to do something to make the day feel special. 

Since I didn't color Easter eggs, set out my bunny candy bowl, or go to church, (oops) I figured I would make a cake. Dessert is something hard to come by here...if we do have dessert we normally go out or make it specifically to take somewhere and give it away so it doesn't end up sitting at our house with me eating it. I can't be left alone with dessert. I have a problem, and I have no intention of fixing it. I cannot be left to my own devices when it comes to dessert, especially any form of chocolate dessert. Evan is usually my sponsor of sorts, reminding me when I get that obsessive look in my eye to "Step away from the sweets!" 

I made a Chocolate Mayo Cake from my cookbook: The Joy of Cooking. It sounds absolutely disgusting, but I knew the mayo would be like putting scour cream into a cake; all it does is make is super moist and delicious. I was completely out of milk, and this recipe didn't call for it which was a bonus. The cake itself turned out great! The texture is like a cake mix, very soft and fluffy. The chocolate flavor is excellent. I like the melted chocolate instead of a cocoa, it makes for a better chocolate flavor. Note to inexperienced bakers like myself: Do not add anything when you're melting chocolate chips in the microwave (like butter). All it does is turn the chocolate into a clumpy, chalk mess. Try #2 on melting chocolate worked much better. Next time I will add some salt, the recipe doesn't call for it, but it think it would make it perfect. 

As the cakes were cooling on the counter, my phone rang in the living room. It was Evan calling to wish me a Happy Easter. I walked out of the kitchen for .2145 seconds to get it. When I returned someone sampled my cake. I'm sure you can figure out who.

I know I shouldn't get mad, but I did. This week Scout has been asking to be grounded. Exasperated I started wailing "Scout! Come on!" He just stood there and looked completely baffled. He is kind of the Houdini of playing dumb. Annoyed, but determined I continued on.

Things were a slippery slope from here. 

My icing was a complete failure. If you can't tell from the picture it looks like Little Foot and his dinosoar friends walked through my icing. There were puddles of liquid in the bottom...I still can't figure out what I did wrong. The thing that makes me mad about it is the recipe called to 2 whole sticks of butter...2 sticks of organic butter ruined. I hate things being wasted, not to mention the cost of organic butter...ugh I'll get over it, it just makes my wallet let out a slow whine when it opens. It tasted ok, but the texture was awful and ruined any form of good flavor it had. I couldn't make more icing because I was out of powered sugar. 

So I ended up with a half eaten, dog slobbered cake, with no icing. Its almost impossible for me to cook anything without using every bowl, spoon, and pan in my whole house, so by the time I cleaned up the severe mess, I didn't even want to look at the stupid chocolate cake. I took one bite; That ladies and gentleman is how you talk yourself out of chocolate cake. 

Nonna Shirley

Yesterday Non passed away in her sleep. 

Mom said she knew everyone around her up until the very end, and kept telling everyone how much she loved them and appreciated them taking care of her. She was so sweet, kind, and generous. It's really sad to lose Non, especially because we were pretty close, but I'm beyond thrilled to know that she didn't suffer. It's bittersweet. She was surrounded by everyone she loved, and it was a quick and painless. I never want to see anyone go through what Uncle Don had to suffer with for months on end.

I will miss her so much. She was such a strong lady. At 3 she lost her mom, and grew up like Cinderella (not joking) with her step-mom. After she married Pap-Jim they had 7 babies and she walked to work everyday. Believe it or not she's never had a drivers license. They never had much money, but she always managed. When I was born Mom named me Meredith (duh) and profusely stated there would be no nicknames. Not Mere, Mary, Mere-Bear, it's Meredith. Non never gave two shits (her own words) about what Mom said and has been the only one allowed to call me by her nickname for me - Meremiss.When I was a baby they divorced, and she moved right down the street from us, which was awesome. I would have sleepovers there and she always made amazing food. She could make one hell of a baked mac-n-cheese, and her specialty was soup. Any soup, you name it, she could make the best! She could never make a little bit, only amounts large enough to feed an army was acceptable! Eventually she met Dan. He was her everything, her gentlemen, and her best friend. They got married; I was her flower girl. Even when Dan eventually succomed to Alzheimer's she stuck with him until the end. They were so happy together, and Non always kept a picture of him in her wallet that she kissed. She made sure he was bathed, fed, happy, and loved on him everyday. The thought of sending him to a nursing home was out of the question, and gladly took on the burden of keeping him home. 

She was always getting people's names wrong, and making up words. Just in the last couple of years she managed to call Evan, Evan instead of Ethan. Example: she was always ordering stuff from "Jim Beam" little did she know she meant to say LL. Bean...strangers thought she was an alcoholic by accident. Anytime you went to her house the TV or radio was always blaring with a pot of coffee on. As soon as you walked in the house she always tried to feed you. Her cat's name is appropriately name GD, which everyone found offensive at first. It really stands for George Dan, but Non probably meant it in the bad way too, haha. "Life is better on the Porch" was her life motto. She loved to swing on the porch visiting and feeding whoever stopped by. I could say another thousand funny things that she's said, and another two thousand times she was giving to others.

I told Mom as soon as she got a glimpse of Dan and her mom in heaven, she would be outta here, no looking back! I guess I was right...Sunday she was her normal spunky self and come Wednesday morning she was out of here! We will all miss her so much. But, we'll all see her again someday on the other side! I can't wait! 

The Struggle

I am blown away with just how simple and uncomplicated my life is. I mean, yeah, I can't make bread, or sometimes work is frustrating, but in the big scheme of life I got it good -- exceptionally good. I don't have any guilty regrets hanging in my closet, a troubled childhood, or any deep, negative life-changing events. I don't feel the need to drink, do drugs, get high, or be in an menacing relationship to compensate or feel "cool." I can handle my emotions in a healthy way. I'm not trying to fill an empty void; I'm happy, whole, and normal. I know who I am, and who God is. But, now that I'm in the big "grown up" world my eyes have been opened to just how much darkness there is.

So many people are left bitterly in a hopeless black pit, without a light to see. Instead, they blindly reach for anything that meets them in the dark, desperately following without question.

I see people reaching, being deceived, and believing in things that don't matter; trying to fill the emptiness with something materially or emotionally tangible, even if it's a lie. People no longer understand what it means to be a good, responsible, and a real person -- nor do they want to be. Most are only concerned with themselves and what they can get out of it. Maybe I was naive in thinking that honesty, respect, and simple goodness was a natural quality that every person had. News flash Meredith, it's not true. Truthfully, it breaks my heart that they don't know Who to look for, or what to fill their emptiness with. I'm so blessed beyond words to have this simple truth and to feel fulfilled.

You never know what another person is going through, or has gone through, so choose your words meticulously. You don't know their struggle. I'm not saying to go through life tip-toeing around people. I'm saying to show them love. Show them compassion and mercy, without judging them. This world is so judgmental. Be the arm that is reaching out in the dark. The arm that will hold-on tight throughout rough waters, and be there for them no matter how many times they mess up. "People need loving the most when they deserve it the least" - John Harrigan. We hate admitting that we make mistakes and mess up. We like to think no matter what we've done, we rationalize why it's not that bad. The truth is: we're all meager humans deserving of nothing. Show them love.

"Everyone must carry two pieces of paper with him and look at them every day. On one it is written: 'You are dust and ashes.' And on the other: 'For you the universe was created."

Book Whore

I'm a book whore.

Ever since Laura Ingalls Wilder lived in her warm little cabin in the woods with Pa, Ma, Mary, and Carrie I've been sold.

Every year when my family would go on vacation, my mom and dad always gave my brother and I a little money to buy some souvenirs with. And every year my brother and I gladly squandered invested all of our money at the bookstore. We didn't care about t-shirts, colored seashells, or a memorable magnet. No, not even toys could tempt us! We would spend hours contemplating on what books to buy.

Yesterday I finished reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

It's been raved about by the New York Times and many others. It's a story about a couple, David and Norah, who quickly fell madly in love, got married, and are expecting a baby. One blustery snowy night in Lexington, Kentucky Norah goes into labor and David, a doctor, delivers a healthy baby boy. But, right after their son Paul is born Norah delivers another baby, this time a girl. David realizes as soon as Phoebe is born there is something wrong with her. Pained by the memory of his younger sister who died as a sickly child, David directs a nurse to take Phoebe to a home for the handicapped. The nurse, unable to leave Phoebe in such a horrible place, moves away and raises her as her own daughter. David tells his wife Norah that Phoebe died at birth. The rest of the book focuses on how this one secret destroyed a family. Arguments, betrayal, and disappointment are all caused by this secret; It slips right under the surface of every disagreement, but can't quite be touched.

I personally had a hard time with this book, and I genuinely wanted to like this book. While reading it I kept persuading myself that I would eventually want to eat this book up...well, it never happened. The story itself is sad, but also incredibly irritating. Every build up in the book ends up dissolving away without any real resolution. Not one of the characters were likable to me; they came off as wishy-washy, very one dimensional, and slightly distant. The characters never seemed to actually feel the emotions they had. I understand every character has their good and bad, but in this book the character's weaknesses noticeably outweighed their strengths. Each time I thought, I had figured out a character's personality, they would do something completely counter intuitive to their character. For example Norah in the beginning is such a consistent, calm, caring person, a little childish, who never took big risks. By the end she was running her own big business, having multiple affairs, acting completely irrational, and always thinking the worst about people. The Norah I perceived as a young adult is not the one I would have formulated later in life. The idea for this story is actually interesting, especially the time period it was set in, but somehow the author didn't carry it out very well. It could have been a fantastically original book, but I was left feeling disappointed and "ehh" about it all.

I did like the references to Lexington, Kentucky (where I went to college) and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (where I'm from). It was neat hearing Edwards describe places that I knew so intimately. Sadly, this is probably one of the only things that kept me interested.

Overall I wouldn't recommend this book. I just keep hoping it was all a big joke, and I accidently read the wrong, stupid version. Let me check--nope, I didn't. Dang it. Lesson learned: don't believe everything New York Times tells you. 

The best feeling ever?

Knowing you're doing a job well.

I was actually unaware of this until today. Not that I thought I was doing my job wrong, I just didn't exactly know if I was doing it right either.

My orientation for my job went something like this:

- handed schedule and a disorganized binder full of papers-

A paper with barely legable handwriting stating:

- Give him point sheet

- Take notes

- Catches bus at 2:05 pm by room 402

Yep. That's it folks.

I had no idea where classrooms were, how severe this kid was, what the rules/expectations were, along with a million other questions I had.

Nada.

Back to my point.

I was sitting in the teacher's lounge and the security guard came up to me and said "You're (Student's name...we'll call him Kevin) Kevin's new teacher's aide right?" he asked. "Yeah!" I might have said a little too enthusiastically. "Well you've been doing a great job, I haven't seen him in the office once since you've been here. I haven't had to escort him out of class either." he said with a smile.

I was actually taken back with his comment since Kevin, really hasn't been that bad for me, (at least not having the security guard come escort him out class bad). Maybe he realizes that I would drop kick him before I called security on him...Knock on wood, concrete, partical board, whatever gives me luck. After being a little surprised, it really made me feel good that dispite the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing, I guess I must be doing something right? Right?