I'm getting fatter as we speak.

I have a confession to make.

It's embarrassing.

I sat in this very spot all day. 

I'm talking12 hours now. 

As soon as Evan said audios, I parked my derriere here and I haven't moved except to do important things. You know, like pee, let scout in/out, and eat junk. 

Complete junk. All day.

Stuff like this: 

 //Saltines//cheese//mustard//

Along with left over birthday Shrimp Alfredo, ice cream with fudge, cinnamon sugar pop tarts with a glass of milk, hummus and chips, a cup of tea, mallow cups, bad, bad, bad stuff.

 Scout did this:

If you can't tell hes pouting. 

I guess he got over the whole I-hate-dad stunt. 

He was bawling like a little baby, begging Evan to take him along, while he was packing the car. I guess he is stuck with just me again, which I'm pretty positive he won't mind. 

It's my pity party and I'll whine if I want too!

via

* Detest is the current vocabulary for my feelings towards the Army this week. I hate Evan's long hours. Last night he didn't get home until 6:30 p.m. (he left the house at 4:45 a.m.). I hate it that he has to deploy again so soon. I hate the stupid suck-ups and people who play mind-games. I hate Army bumper stickers.

* I want a vacation. For a week. With my husband. Is that really too much to ask? I was looking at people's spring break vacations on Facebook and became genuinely upset and envious, to the point where I realized I was breathing with my teeth gritted. Can someone please plan me a secret vacation, work it out with my boss, and hand me plane tickets. Please and thanks.

* There is a retarded bird that keeps flying into my windows because it's seeing it's own reflection. Now we live in a cave with our blinds and curtains shut. It's pooped all over my porch, and my table and chairs, and it's asking for me to kill it. A BB gun being in this bird's future is a real possibility.

* Spring break was awesome, now at work I feel like I'm dying in prison. It's great.

* I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. Why can't I know what I want to do? Why can't I be amazingly good at one specific thing so it's painfully obvious what I should do. Why can't I have some confidence in this department? Why do I have to be a stupid girl and have potentially ugly or disappointing babies, therefore ruining my career timeline.

* There isn't any food in my house. Instead, I stand around opening cupboards after work waiting for food to appear, or, morph into an Iron Chief and be able to make a fantastic meal with random, distant ingredients.

* The wedges I've had my eye on have not come back in stock, but are discontinued all together.

Sometimes its really, really, really, hard to be thankful for all of the positive things in life. It sounds stupid, I know. Clean food, excellent health, and a warm home are the basic things I take for granted everyday. I know I should be happy with these simple things, but sometimes I think it is a big deal that my summer shoes aren't in stock, or there is bird poop all over my porch, or that I feel so out of control and unhappy with my job. Sometimes I want to whine, throw a fit, and pout to have everyone feel bad for me. So here I sit with a crumpled face, pouty lips, and negative attitude. Just leave this little Meredith in the corner for awhile until she's done with her tantrum and I'm sure she will eventually be just fine. 

Meet Lucy

"Lucy" for those of you who might not know is Scout's new dog bed. At first he thought it was a big fluffy chew-toy, then decided that it was the perfect thing to dub as his girlfriend...if you catch my drift. SO FREAKING GROSS. We had friends over for dinner, and can you guess what the mid-dinner show was? That's right Scout and Lucy! (Evan put her in her room, and Scout laid in front of the door and cried) 

He is so embarrassing. 

Now we both refer to his bed as another member of the family. (We're really weird, I know) Texts like this from Evan crack me up. "She has green fuzz" like hes genuinely interested in learning something new about our son's new girlfriend. 

I got home and saw Lucy. Poor Lucy...she was laying in a deflated puddle in the middle of the living room floor. Indeed she had green fuzz, and it was strewn about the room like a murder scene. My blood pressure immediately rose. Seriously? I just spend $60 on a new dog bed that you're treating like a cheap date! I snatched it and loathsomely dragged it back the hall screeching "This is why we can't have nice things! Lucy has only been here for a week and you treat her like this!" Scout just followed me back the hall with a glazed-over, innocent I-don't-know-what-your-talking-about look. Exasperated I was crawling around gathering green fuzz like it was payday money and shrieking about the mess. 

Scout sat in the corner with his eyes following me around the room. I looked up and had a - If you weren't so freaking cute, you would totally be dead - moment. But he is totally cute, so it's not like I could stay mad. His eyes were worried (like normal) and weepy. He looked sad and embarrassed like he couldn't believe he gave in to the temptation. He was sitting there waiting for me to call him over to me and tell him it was OK, and that I don't hate him. 

I immediately felt regret. I mean he's a dog, does he really know better? I called him over and he sprinted towards me, practically knocking the wind out of me by landing in my lap. I kissed his face and strached his head. I told him he needed to be nice to Lucy, and that it made mom mad when she had to come home from work to a big mess. He cocked his head to the side and listened intently, taking every word to heart. Why does he have to be so cute? Or is he really good at acting really pitifully sorry?

I think it's the latter. 

If my future kids are as cute as he is, they might be able to get away with anything.

Tonight is a quiet one at the Slee home.

Scout is sleeping on my feet, as usual.

Evan is back in his baby/man reloading room tinkering around with his things.

Please notice how elegant the combination of baby boarder and the cold metal steel of a man bench nicely come together.

Rub some dirt in it.

This week has been a rough one.

This week has been the week of learning that I hopelessly suck at a lot of things.

Realizing that you can't always be the greatest, toughest, strongest, or smartest all the time is a hard pill to swallow. Especially when God decides that you need several doses in one week.

It's humbling.

First,

It started off with a dream I had earlier this week.

Uncle Don and I were just hanging out, being our goofy selves. We decided at some point that it would be a great idea to break into a kid's indoor jungle gym and terrorize the kids. (This is all the better, since we really would do something like this in real life) After running around scaring the pants off 4 year olds, we collapsed to the ground from laughing so hard.

In that moment my dream was so incredibly real.

I can see Uncle Don's blue button up shirt. I could breathe the thick, sweaty air of the jungle gym. I could feel my side hurting from the unstoppable laughter. I can still see kids staring at us like we were half crazy.

...and then I woke up.

It was the most overpowering feeling of sadness that I think I've ever experienced. It's unexplainable.

 I keep forgetting that he isn't here. I guess my brain hasn't fully soaked it in yet. It feels like he must be on a long vacation, or that he had to work again over Christmas; He will make it next year. But all of that is a lie; He isn't coming. It was like getting the wind knocked out of me at random moments when it came to mind throughout this week. I guess because it felt so real...just made it hard to accept it wasn't.

Then,

Thursday was a hard day at work.

I won't go into much detail about it, but it's hard to know when to be firm, but also fair. Especially when working with special needs kids. Not to mention that I'm super self conscious when it comes to making sure that I'm being as fair as possible.

I'm always questioning myself on whether or not I did the absolute best I could in the situation at hand. I've been doing a lot of praying, and asking God for some much needed wisdom and patience.

Next,

I finally admitted to myself that I am awful, horribly awful, at keeping in touch with my old friends. The same cycle happens every time. I miss my friends so much, but I never want to "bother" them, so I don't call. When I don't call I feel guilty. The guilt makes me scared that they will be mad at me, and so I don't call. How stupid is that? Yeah, pretty stupid I know. Why do I always make myself learn things the hard way?

I'm making an effort to call, text, or skype one old friend a week from now on. Hold me to it!

This,

Is a picture of Scout just because hes so darn cute.

and This,

Is a picture of Scout's lamb's (stuffing) brains. He was proud of it.

Bravo on making my house a fuzzball mess Scout. Bravo.

Finally,

Being in the military is hard, but honestly I hate the pity card that some people play here. You knew what you were signing up for so don't cry about it. Military men, women, and their families are incredibly bless with great pay, benefits, and blah blah blah. Yes, they get deployed. Yes, it's hard. But for goodness sake my mother doesn't plaster her bumper with a collage of stickers solely dedicated to my dad's engineering job. You catch my drift right?

BUT I will say,

The emotional roller coaster that the Army throws at me has worn me down this week.

Evan's schedule literately changes every other day...I wish I was joking.

It just makes it hard planning...well...anything.

This makes me frustrated, therefore emotional. We all know how I love dealing with sappy, irrational girl feelings. Whatever girl emotions, you can't catch me! The only thing I can do about this is take a big dose of suck-it-up and be ok with knowing I can't do anything to change it anyway.

Isaiah 40:28-31

²⁸ Have you not known?

Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹ He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
³⁰ Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
³¹ But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.