Every goodbye makes the next hello closer

The morning Evan had to leave was kind of surreal. The anticipation of him leaving was the real part that was bugging me. I hate him being away, but at the same time I knew the sooner we said "goodbye", the sooner we could just start this deployment thing and start counting down the days to "hello" again. We got all his packed bags in the car, and he gave Scout some loving to say bye.

We got to his unit meeting spot and did the usual standing around waiting, while the guys did the last minute packing up of things. I talked to a few other Army wives, who were about to embark on their very first deployment. We chatted about the usual things, but underneath I could see the worry, sadness, and dread of saying goodbye in their eyes. I absolutely hate that. I wish I could somehow know the exact thing to say or do to make it easier...but really is there anything you can say to comfort someone when their husband is deploying? They are all so brave and strong. I wanted to grab them all in a bear hug, let him bawl their eyes out, and scream about how horrible and stupid this all is. But we couldn't. We had to be strong for our guys. They don't want to leave either, so why make it harder on them? That's just what Army Wives do. They push smiles through tears, act steadily confident through shaking uncertainty, and do anything that their duty requires them to do. I've never been prouder to know these amazing women who stand behind their husbands through anything; its such a stirring feeling of honor to see.

This time I didn't have that hysterical feeling tightening around my chest like I did the last time I had to ship him off. Its a feeling of overwhelming sadness, worry, and panic crushing you all at the same time; add a dash of wanting to hurl your guts up and that's about the exact feeling of you'll have. Fun, right? I'll admit it was probably one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced in my life. The first deployment when I told him goodbye, I immediately ran to my car and cried until I was completely broken. I am happy to say that this time around, those feelings didn't happen. I think Evan and I both felt unnaturally peaceful and a little detached about it all. We knew what to expect, and how to deal with it. The time came where they had to board the bus to the plane. I gave Evan one last hug and kiss goodbye. I made sure to tell him to "Be safe" like I always do. He responded how to normally does, by telling me that "Be safe" doesn't control the situation, if something is going to happen, it's going to happen. Typical Evan, always blatantly honest. I told him to shut-up and that I just needed to say it. That made us laugh. He heaved his pack on and made his way towards the bus. Halfway to the bus and he turned and told me "I love you; see you soon buddy." With a wave and a step on to the bus he was gone. I slowly walked to my car, wishing I felt more. I felt guilty not feeling more perturbed about it all. I guess maybe its a good thing; this time I have a clearer mind to help the girls out.

The guys are in Afghanistan taking care of each other, while we do the same thing on the home front here. In situations like this, you quickly become like close family to people, who just a few months before, were complete strangers. The military really is a world of its own. In its own strange way, maybe that's why some of us stick around so long, even when there are so many things that undoubtedly suck about it. If you're in the military the moment you meet another Army wife, you can already relate to them on some level, because we already know exactly how each other feels without saying a word. "There is a special bond between soldiers created by the harsh realities of their service; a bond which is incomprehensible to the civilian world.  Like their men—Army wives have a bond all their own. (via)" 

I'm getting fatter as we speak.

I have a confession to make.

It's embarrassing.

I sat in this very spot all day. 

I'm talking12 hours now. 

As soon as Evan said audios, I parked my derriere here and I haven't moved except to do important things. You know, like pee, let scout in/out, and eat junk. 

Complete junk. All day.

Stuff like this: 

 //Saltines//cheese//mustard//

Along with left over birthday Shrimp Alfredo, ice cream with fudge, cinnamon sugar pop tarts with a glass of milk, hummus and chips, a cup of tea, mallow cups, bad, bad, bad stuff.

 Scout did this:

If you can't tell hes pouting. 

I guess he got over the whole I-hate-dad stunt. 

He was bawling like a little baby, begging Evan to take him along, while he was packing the car. I guess he is stuck with just me again, which I'm pretty positive he won't mind. 

To be right where you are.

Evan left for 3 weeks a couple of days ago to do deployment training in Louisiana. I thought it was a bummer, but I figured it wouldn't be that long, and it's not like we haven't done this before, yada yada yada; no big deal. Wrong. Last night I got home from work and my house was so quiet. This fact alone was kinda funny, because Evan doesn't really talk or is a loud person in the first place. I couldn't understand exactly why it seemed so deafening. I walked in and it was my same tan couch, the same drinking glasses neatly stacked in the cupboard, and the same familiar pictures staring at me, but it was...different. Just knowing Evan is home, even if he is upstairs in his office or outside washing the cars, is what makes our house peaceful. I didn't cry or have a meltdown, I just didn't realize how empty this house feels without him here. 

So now the ticking clock in the back of my mind is getting a little louder, and sounding a little more urgent. But rightly so, because we're down to 2 months until he leaves. This deployment I feel a lot more confident and calm. I feel like I kinda know what to expect (the worst). I'm expecting to worry, to feel a little helpless, and to not get a phone call everyday, and then worry more about that. As weird as that sounds, knowing that I'll feel all those things ahead of time makes it easier to deal with it all emotionally.

This time around I think it might be even a little harder in one way. Last deployment was challenging for the simple fact it was our first go of it. We had only been married a month when Evan left, and everything was new. We weren't exactly sure how the whole shindig worked. Before we were married we were use to being apart. We had never lived together, and when we did (for a month) it just kinda felt like we were being rebels. I guess I really didn't feel married. We lived in a furnished apartment and lived out of suitcases. When he left, I felt like we always had, in love, but apart. Now that's all changed. My life is completely different now that I've been married, and we've been husband and wife together for a year. Now we have our furniture, our dishes, our zip-lock bags, our underwear drawers. Our dog, our routine, our life. Stupid little stuff like that makes it different than last time. Coming home and crawling in bed alone doesn't feel right at all anymore. 

- Time out. New obsessed song. - 

My family wants me to move home while hes gone. As tempting that might sound, I think going home would be avoiding being alone in our house. Plus the last thing I would want to do is lose my baller job right now. Since jobs in general are hard to come by right now. Plus I have a feeling some of the other girls around here might need me. It's their first deployment and I know they are super nervous. They don't say they are, but I can tell. This time around I'll be more alone and have a lot more time on my hands. No best friends, no family, just Scout and I. 

But!

Don't worry, I have a plan.

I'm a weakling. I know I'm not anywhere near as strong as I use to be. Now that I've lost the weight that I didn't want, I need to tone it up. Working out is going to be a new priority! I'm not sure what my actual plan is yet, but I know I'll still walk Scout everyday. Then start Hip Hop Abs, and maybe P90X when I wouldn't die from a heart attack.

Organize. I Meredith, solemnly swear to clean my house everyday, and not let it look like a pigsty. 

Volunteer somewhere. I'm not sure of where yet, but I've looked into a few different places around me. There is a Manna Cafe which serves meals to the homeless that looks pretty awesome. Another organization hires students to work on an organic farm, I can't remember their name, but it looked pretty sweet too.