Things That Drive Me Crazy

In no particular order...

1. People who are on their phone when I'm talking to them.
2. Angry lights. Aka bright overhead lights, table lamps and soft glow bulbs were invented for a reason.
3. Wash cloths
4. People who wear too much perfume.
5. Cigarette smoke.
6. People who leave their Christmas lights up past February 1st.
7. Children singing.
8. Leggings. They are not pants.
9. People who don't use their turn signal.
10. Sleeping without a fan/air machine. It's basically impossible.
11. The sound of someone filing their nails.
12. When towels aren't folded a certain way.
13. Blowing my nose.
14. People who think they don't need to blow their nose.
15. Nosy people.
16. Any movie/book having anything to do with Nicholas Sparks.
17. Feet.
18. When people get a dog only to make it live tide up outside.
19. Those who don't use doggy bags...would you be upset if I pooped in your yard and left it there?
20. People who don't flush after using the bathroom.
21. Flossing (especially when you have braces).
22. People who chew with their mouth open.
23. Kirby men.
24. The word soda, its pop.
25. Slow walkers.
26. Sitting forever at the doctors office.
27. Not remembering my password.
28. Mumbling.
29. Line skippers.
30. Taylor Swift haters.
31. Fitted sheets that don't fit properly.
32. People always have pet fur on their clothes. Two words: Lint Roller.
33. People who bite their fork/spoon when they eat. (Wonder where I learned this one Krysti Leonard)
34. When a vending machine eats my quarters.
35. People who push their tongue against their front teeth when they smile.
36. Judgement. People are so quick to judge!
37. Disrespectful children.
38. Stubbing my toes on the same piece of furniture repeatedly.
39. People telling me how to do my job a "better" way, which is usually the harder/longer way.
40. Cheap tippers.
41. People who won't make eye contact when they talk to me.
42. Hotels that don't give you enough towels.
43. Tom and Jerry. They are always ruining a perfectly clean house!
44. Techno music.
45. People who aren't conscious of what looks good/bad on their body type.
46. The American food system.
47. Unfair teachers.
48. Multiple traffic lights in a row that aren't coordinated.
49. Styrofoam.
50. Loud pillows...call me crazy but some pillows crinkle too loud when your head is on them

The Story of Us

OK, so if you don't hear from me over the next few days, its because I will be extremely busy getting packed up to leave for home this summer. You saw my to do list yesterday, its crazy. Today I added about 4 things I forgot to that list. Unfortunately I have about 1,000 things I want to blog about! It always happens this way! With Krysti visiting I actually had a fantastic week & weekend, with re-life, fun, girlie-time, which made for interesting things to blog about! And lets not forget about new news on Evan...I miss that guy! (High school girl voice) I did this because we're totally in love. 

1. What are your middle names?  Evan's middle name is Ross and mine is Leigh. (Meredith Leigh Slee...should we blame my mom or Evan for this?)
2. How long have you been together?  8 years...dang.
3. How long did you know each other before you started dating?  Probably about a year or so. We met when I was 14 and he was 16 at our church youth group. 
4. Who asked who out? We had been hanging out just as friends for awhile. But, Evan finally asked me to be his “offcial girlfriend” in his car.
5. How old are each of you? I'm 22 (23 in about a month) and he's 25.
6. Did you go to the same school? We went to different high schools, but both ended up at Asbury University for college
7. Are you from the same hometown? Yep. Kittanning PA, our parents live about 500 yards from each other.
8. Who is the smartest?  For sure Evan. I took an IQ test and sent him the link to take it. I scored a 108 (trying extremely hard) and Evan scored a 128 even though he said he “got bored” towards the end and just started picking bubbles...that's not annoying or anything.
9. Who majored in what?  I changed my major about 100 times Art, English, Education, History. While Evan majored in Bible Theology with a Communications minor.
10. Who is the most sensitive?  I don't think either one of us is sensitive at all really. Maybe I have my monthly moments every now and then, but for the most part we are bluntly straight forward to a fault. Feelings aren't our forte. 
11. Where is the furthest you have traveled as a couple?  Um...from our home in TN to PA...I will get my honeymoon one of these years!
12. Who has the worse temper?  I do for sure. I'm constantly letting my temper get the best of me by snapping at people when I'm angry. Evan is always cool, calm, and collected, if he ever did lose his temper I think he might slaughter people.
13. How many children do you want?  That's a great question.
14. Who does the cooking?  We both take turns cooking. Evan is naturally better at it than I am though.
15. Who is more social?  Haha that one is me for sure! I never shut-up while you usually have to pry words out of Evan at any occasion.
16. Who is the most stubborn?  We are both crazy stubborn, but pretty bending when it comes to each other. I believe my old nickname Evan used to call me was "Muley." He's just "A Slee"...they are all stubborn in that family!
17. Who wakes up earlier?  Evan. He's up at 4 every morning to go to work. I'm naturally a morning person though too...4 o'clock isn't morning though...that's nighttime in my book.  
18. Who is the neat freak?  Evan. Sometimes I joke with him that he's borderline OCD about things. I'm really working on that this year to save him from strife...and so he doesn't divorce me.
19. Where was your first date?  Um, we really didn't have a first date. We were always hanging out together before we were ever officially dating, so there was never a first “big date."
20. Who has the bigger family?  We're even. We both have 1 younger sibling and about the same amount to aunts/uncles/cousins.
21. Do you get flowers often?  Never. I only kill flowers. Evan knows the real way to my heart is through something that goes to my stomach.
22. How do you spend the holidays?  Pretty laid back with our families. Since our families are literately yards apart, it makes it easy to do holidays with both sides of the family on the same day. The downside is having to eat 3 Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter dinners in one day...
23. Who is more jealous?  Neither one of us are the jealous type. 
24. How long did it take to get serious?  We were very serious from the start. Neither one of us were interested in dating someone for the fun of it. We both had the same mindset of only dating someone who you would consider marrying. 
25. Who eats more?  Sadly I use to out-eat Evan daily, but since I've mustered up some self-control he's the “big eater” on campus now. Neither one of us put crazy amounts of food away. 
26. What do you do for a living?  I wish I knew! Lately I've been thinking about the possibility of becoming a high school principal. Maybe a photographer? Who knows though.
27. Who does the laundry?  Both of us. We are pretty equal on all the house chores.
28. Who is better with the computer?  I'm a serial computer killer. I'll go with Evan on this one.
29. Who drives when you're together?  Always Evan. I'm a bad driver.
30. What is your song?  Oh gosh...don't judge...but “I Swear” by John Michael Montgumery. 

A Small Moment

Yesterday I gathered up a pile of clothes to do a few loads of laundry. I mindlessly grabbed socks, underwear, shorts, and shirts that I had aimlessly left disgaurded on the bathroom and bedroom floor. Each piece was quickly plucked into the hamper as I made my way around the room, like making my way through a maze. To my satisfaction the maze of work clothes, jeans, and PJ's slowly evaporated. I rounded the corner of our bed continuing my cleaning fury, unaware of what I was about to face. 

A crumpled white t-shirt found its way to my hands. In my mind I knew it was just an undershirt, but in my hands it felt sad and heavy. I froze, holding it steadily. Slowly I lifted it to my nose and breathed in deeply. It still smelled like him. It made me feel overwhelmingly comforted but somber all at the same time. I was fixed in the middle of my room holding a plain white t-shirt, just staring at it deciding what to do. 

"Do I wash it?"

 "No, I can't do that, it won't smell like him anymore."

"Its eventually not going to smell like him, so why wait for it to gradually fade away?"

"Because, if I wash this I might not remember what he smells like."

"What if its the last thing I ever smell of his?"

"Meredith you can't think like that."

"I know, I know."

"I should probably wash it and get it over with."

"Ugh fine."

I stood holding the shirt over the washer feeling uncertain. The water plunged into the soap accumulating a bed of bubbles that was quickly rising, hungry to wash away any essence of Evan that was left. A prick of annoyance pressed past the pensive mood.

"What am I doing standing here gawking at a stupid shirt?"
"Its not stupid."
"Yes it is, why am I letting the stupid Army make me feel this way?"
"You just want remember him."
"It's ridiculous, I'm not playing this game. I'm just going to wash it."

I tossed the shirt in and slammed the lid shut.

I get upset at myself when I let these kind of things get to me. Only in this world does laundry become an exorbitant, emotional endeavor. Something as simple as a white undershirt can stop me dead in my tracks, petrified like a hunted wild animal...its flustering sometimes. It takes me right back to the moment when we first moved in together. Proud that I, his wife, got to wash them, fold them, and put them away in the perfect part of his dresser with care. The moment where we were getting ready for a date together. I loved watching him shave and get ready; he looked so handsome in his plain white t-shirt. How many times have I hugged that t-shirt and its hugged back, warm and intoxicating. Now its a cold and formless. I miss the person inside that shirt. Tender moments like this painfully come to life when hes away. It makes me feel happy, sad, angry, and rattled all at the same time. I don't always know how to deal with it, but I know I can't keep him here by not washing his things. Instead of holding on to a shirt that he once wore, I need to wash it, make it smell good and clean, fold it crisply, and tuck it away in his dresser. When the day arrives that he comes home, which will be soon, I'll watch him open his dresser, reach in and put on his familiar white t-shirt.

A few weeks after he gets back I'll probably be grumbling at him for not putting his shirt in the laundry!      

- Large dramatic exhale -

This is my last full week of work before I'm off for summer break. I can't believe its the end of the year already, but I'm more than excited to get out of this building for a few months. I now know why they give teachers off for the summer: children would die. This break is necessary to save lives. I wish I was joking. All those teachers you see in the news for hitting their students and thought were crazy? Well I beg to differ my friends. They were totally legit and completely justified. Ok I'm just joking, you should never hit a student, yada yada yada...unless they deserve it. Sarcasm is a real friend this week. I'll be headed home for awhile to visit with my family and then come back here to finish out my summer until school starts. So many things are going on in the next month its kind of unreal. I'm excited for it all! 

This past weekend was a lot of fun. Saturday my friend Kaylee, another Army wife, came up from Nashville to visit. We spent the day thrifting, (my awesome finds will be on here soon) then went to dinner and a movie. We saw The Five Year Engagement. I'm still tying to figure out how in the world the movie got a 63% on Rotten Tomatoes, because I thought it was super strange. Maybe I just didn't understand the type of humor in it. The whole time Kaylee and I just kept laughing awkwardly with confused looks on our faces, not being totally sure if something was funny, unexpected, or serious. Plus, I hate movies where it takes years for the characters to realize they are perfect for each other. Just friggin get married.

 I am really proud of myself; I've been keeping everything pretty tidy at my house. Now I know this might sound trivial to some, but for me this is like keeping Gollum from his precious. Please don't picture me as a main star in an episode of Hoarders. I'm clean; I'm not organized, but I'm slowly getting there. I've started with just focusing on the kitchen and living room area, then I can work up to my Kryptonite area...our bedroom. I have problems putting clothes away. This is all on top of puppy sitting I might add. Rudder, my friend's lab puppy, has been with Scout and I since Thursday. Lets just say I've got really good at cleaning carpets. He and Scout have had such a good time playing together though, its worth it. They are so cute when they play together, its entertaining enough in itself!

  

Evan will officially have Skype this deployment! They were trying to figure out a way to wire internet to their bunker/living area to have it. They needed a spool of internet cable; it just took them awhile to find some. Lord knows how you come across that in Afghanistan. I didn't ask, I was simply happy they got it all set up. I'm beyond excited that we will be able to see each other! He also received his mailing address, so the boxes can officially start being sent. He needed baby wipes and hand sanitizer, so I got those things, and then some to send him. I'll try to remember to take pictures the next time I make up a box, so I can show everyone what I pack to send him. This time around I packed his mail, some magazines, his favorite snacks, and a few other things that are going to be a surprise! 

You can be addicted to certain kind of song

So I've been listening to this song on repeat for the last 2 days. (Like the rest of the world)

Or, the Glee version which is equally amazing. I'm honestly not a Glee fan usually, but I do enjoy the song they re-do from time to time. This is definitively one of them! 

Or, a bunch of phenomenally talented people who all play on 1 guitar together, that also happen to have killer voices.

Or, last but nowhere near least, amazing Asian dancers (with mustaches).

Which one do you think is the best?

Why You Should Hate The Notebook

I don't understand the absolute obsession over The Notebook. I'll give it to Nicholas Sparks, he did a great job romanticizing a story that is completely unrealistic and utterly stupid. 3 quick reasons as to why you should hate The Notebook.

1. It makes cheating not only OK, but elusively romantic.
2. It leads people to believe that you can eat and pay rent with love.
3. Impulsive, foolish, and childish decisions are welcomed without any negative consequences.

If you still don't believe me, please by all means, read on. It makes my heart hurt to think that this is what girls think real love looks like. Now before I have people scratching my eyes out over this, please read this short, adapted story written by yours truly to see the real version of The Notebook.

Pretend you knew a girl named Sallie. Her parents adored her, and did everything they could to make sure she could be successful. She was bright, beautiful, and on the right track to a prosperous life. Then, Sallie starting hanging out with Moses. Moses was a nice boy, but not exactly the best for Sallie. Her parents understood that Sallie was in love, it hurt them a lot to know she was so unhappy by taking her away from him. Deep down they knew that they were doing the best for their daughter. If they didn't move away, Sallie would simply marry Moses and immediately start popping out babies. They would most likely be poor, living paycheck to paycheck. They would struggle and live a hard life to make ends meet. Who would want this kind of life for their precious daughter? Her parents knew if she simply got away from this summer crush she would soon move on, like most young love does. Sallie had bigger dreams to fulfill than staying in a tiny town, she just didn't know it. Sallie does eventually forget about Moses, even though it was unbearable at first. She becomes a nurse and is really good at what she does. As a nurse she's caring, smart on her feet, and takes care of her patients with tender care. She meets a handsome, young, brave soldier who treats her like any girl would want to be treated. Ron loves Sallie so much, he buys her flowers for no reason, he would do anything for her, and he truly cares about her. Her parents love Ron, and take him into the family as their own son. Then, Sallie goes through a quarter life crisis. She wonders how different her life would be if she would have done things differently. Don't we all do this? Then again, we don't all act on it...Anyway, Sallie decides to visit her old small town, and see how everyone is doing, specifically Moses. Ron is so supportive and trusting of Sallie, that he fully supports her in wanting to get away for a few days. He knows all the stress of planning their wedding is really getting to her. Sallie ends up finding Moses. Over the years he has turned...insane, literately. Sometimes he sleeps around with a local girl he doesn't care about, who is willing to answer to his every booty call, but its no big deal. It's totally romantic remember? He's been so obsessed with Sallie that hes been engulfed by building her dream house, despite the fact he hasn't talked to her in years. Creeperish? Just a tad. Sallie ends up hanging out at his house, flirting with him like crazy, and hooking up with him. Word gets around like it always does, and people hear that Sallie has cheated on her fiance, that any girl would kill for, with the crazy high school fling down the street. I believe the word that most people would bring to mind is slut. She then tells her fiance what happened, who is absolutely heartbroken, but he loves her so much, he forgives her. Unfortunately, Sallie doesn't know who she wants. Ron decides that if Sallie really wants to be with him, he will wait for her, and if she doesn't, he loves her enough to let her go to be happy. (Who does this?? Why does nobody feel bad for Ron?? Seriously if anything, everyone watching this movie reading this story should be beating each other to get to Lon, I mean Ron!!! HELLO!!!) Sallie ends up choosing the mildly insane, but sexually satisfying Moses. Because we all know that good sex is the most important part of any marriage. When Sallie gets old and loses her mind, Moses treats her just like the crazy person she is by reading her the same story everyday. Because like she will remember, right?! TA DA! Who thought that was a good story?!

It really doesn't sound so appealing this way, does it?

I think the reason I hate The Notebook is the simple fact that nobody feels bad for Lon. Allie is a very hurtful and self centered person, only thinking about what she wants, and only how it effects her. She changes her mind on a dime and gets away with it! Lon is absolutely crushed, but its ok because Allie and Noah are totally in love. Never-mind that Allie has has built a life with Lon. Never-mind that she told him she loves him and promised to marry him. Allie has changed her mind, so he has to deal with it. "Lon loves Ally, is emotionally stable, financially stable, enamored by her, but it does not compare to the more raw and passionate relationship between her and Noah, and in the end Lon lets her go to Noah. Whilst it is easy to see the beauty of the true love between Noah and Ally in this situation, we forget that Lon is left behind and that this is a good man who loves and cares for Ally deeply. The fact that she leaves a man like this for a more tempestuous relationship and financially insecure man, leaves men to think, what do women want?" (via)

Girls swoon over The Notebook because of one simple reason: devotion. If we met Noah/Moses in real life we would all think he was a complete whack job for building the exact replica of the house Allie/Sallie dreamed of when she was 16. But separate the bonkers and you'll find adoration. Isn't this what we all really want? For someone to love us just like our wedding vows say. In good times and bad, sickness and health, rich or poor. Even when Allie turns her emotions on a dime, hurting everyone around her, Noah loves her anyway. He hangs off of a ferris wheel to get her, he dances with her in the middle of the street, doesn't pressure her to have sex with him, he writes her letters everyday for a year, he works tirelessly on a house that she might never see, he makes her a candle light dinner, kisses her in the rain, he leaves wild flowers on her pillow when she wakes up...I could go on. Noah wants Allie, and only Allie, until they are old and wrinkly. Girls, you need to realize that there are Noah's' out there for you, but these Noah's aren't hairy or insane; they have jobs, they have responsibilities, they have goals. They don't have time or money to build dream houses for years on end, waiting for you to find them. They are called Lon's.

What The Notebook didn't show was 10 years down the road when Noah was zoning-out in front of the radio with a beer, while Allie had 3 kids hanging off her screaming their brains out, while she tried to clean the house and cook dinner all at the same time. They didn't show Allie and Noah fighting about all those years he was sleeping with another girl for kicks. If he was really that devoted to her, why didn't he wait for Allie? They didn't show the red lines scribbled through their checkbook, which made them so stressed they couldn't enjoy being together. They didn't show all of the mindless fights because of their unstable, unpredictable emotions. Because that is what real life looks like. What more could a girl ask for than to be loved, adored, and taken care of by a handsome, emotionally strong and stable man? So Ladies, (and gentlemen) save yourself some headaches and pick yourself out a Lon.

Meredith Currently...

Obsessing over...Netfix. Can we talk for a second about how my last "Currently" post I was obsessing over trying to not sit in front of the TV? Bahaha! Now that, that goal is out the window...Since we opted to not have cable we purchased Nexflix instead. In all seriousness, I rarely miss cable. Yeah, there are a few mindless shows I miss like America's Next Top Model, 16 and Pregnant, and a good Sister Wives every now and then, but for the most part I'm living just fine without it. Should I be admitting I watch those shows? Then, Netflix had to go and get Army Wives, Blue Planet, Matilda, (Special Edition!), and about 10 new history shows/documentaries...what is this girl supposed to do?! 

Wishing for...the ability to eat as many chocolate chip pop-tarts without gaining a pound. I went grocery shopping Monday and they accidently fell into my cart. OK, so we both know that isn't true, but heres the deal. I don't buy junk ever, because if I do, I'll just eat it. I talked myself out of ice cream, I talked myself out of Oreo cookies, but chocolate chip pop-tarts? Not so much...

via

Thinking about...How amazing technology is. I was Skyping with Evan yesterday morning, and I still can't believe I can see him live-time in Afghanistan. I know I act like an old lady about it, but its amazing what kind of technology we have at our disposal. Just the other day I was reading a newspaper article about some soldier's wife seeing him die over skype. I guess they were skyping and their place got bombed or shot at. Its absolutely horrible, I can't imagine witnessing my husband being killed thousands of miles away. You would feel so helpless only being able to watch. But, itsn't that crazy that this wife knew immediately, and saw it with her own eyes? Before anyone could knock on her door or call her phone! Imagine how horrible it was for couples before us. I mean I probably wouldn't hear from Evan for another 2-3 weeks, or until a letter finally could make it home to let me know where he was. Then, who knows how long it would take for me to respond and then get it back to him! The Army wives of yesteryear were 100x stronger than I am! I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm extremely thankful for the internet, cameras, e-mail, and cell phones. Now that I think about it, I wish I would have taken a picture of us Skyping! 

Anticipating...flying. I'm super obnoxiously deranged when it comes to flying. I usually warn fellow passengers around me that if I'm hyperventilating, I'll be OK; just ignore me. I usually resemble a woman that's been in labor for 12 hours strait. My breathing is the classic he-he-whoo, while I try to grip the arms of the seat. My head stays down and my eyes do not leave the floor for any reason. Because that will keep me from dying if the plane goes down. After I drive the long 10 hours home, I'm going with my mother-in-law to South Carolina to visit my sister-in-law and her fiance there. We get to bask in the sun and eat lots of fresh seafood for a week. Oh, I seriously can't wait to tan these poor pale legs! To get there however, we have to fly. Lets have a brief overview about things I don't enjoy doing:

I don't enjoy going fast.

I don't enjoy being any more than 2 feet off the ground.

I don't enjoy seeing clouds.
I don't enjoy being confined to a small space.

I don't enjoy feeling like throwing up. 

Ergo when you combine all of these things you get flying, which in my mind is the worst possible things all tied together. I feel sick just thinking about it. The odds of me dying in a plane crash are about 1 in 11 million, so the statistics say. But every time I have to walk down that long creaky ramp to the plane, terror sweeps through my brain. "You'll be that 1 in 11 million!" Each bump of turbulence feels like dropping over the edge of a roller coaster cliff. Let me be clear: I hate roller coasters. In one flight in particular we hit bad turbulence. Most people continued to sleep and didn't think much of it. I can remember forcing myself not to scream bloody murder, by physically keep my hands firmly over my mouth while tears streamed down my face. I was so scared. So needless to say I'm already physicing myself out now. It's totally healthy, I promise.

Out with the new, In with the old!

So this week has already felt like its been a little bit too crazy. I'm not sure how this is even happening considering its just me at home with no definite plans...um ever. This past Saturday Lisa and I hit my favorite antique/junk store in town The Old Place. Here is our awesomely cute finds!

 We found this bench for Lisa to use to decorate, it was only...hold on to your pants...$7.50! It looks like something from Pottery Barn, except we didn't have to sell our first born children to have it! The vase to the right with flowers was $3 (I think). The cute little clear bottle beside it is a honey bottle with the cutest little saying/graphic on the front of it. ($7) I honestly can't remember what she paid for the two jars on the left, but I can promise you they were cheap! She also snagged a lamp for her living room and an awesome old rustic window like this one: 

for $15! Overall Lisa found some great things; her house already looks more moved into than mine does! 

 This is my first plate to hopefully be apart of my large plate collection for my wall. $2

 This cookie jar was $9. Its possibly one of my favorite things in my kitchen! Not to mention milk and cookie together...get it? 

 Although I didn't buy this, it was an old storage tray/box that was pretty neat. It was only $15 and I've seen the same things in a Pottery Barn magazine for $50! Eventually I'll buy a few of these to have sitting on the coffee table and fill with my cute trinkets and decorations. 

 Our next stop was carpet. We were told by a friend that this carpet place in town that sells leftover carpet for next to nothing. We found Carpet Flooring America in Clarksville, and our eyes nearly pooped out of our heads...at least mine were! They had rolls and rolls of carpet to choose from. Lisa got an 11x11 ft piece of carpet for only $60. We were seriously finding all of the good deals this week!

 They even gave me some carpet cleaner when I had mentioned that Scout had managed to drag all of the dirt outside, inside. I run the sweeper almost everyday, but there is only so much that will do. I highly recommend going there!

 Would it be weird to want to do a photo-shoot inside this carpet place? Because that's the first thing I thought of when I walked into it. It would be strange wouldn't it? I promise it would be awesome! Maybe someday if the owners don't think I'm completely crazy.

This is where I sit in the lunchroom to receive/send emails. It cell phone service in the teacher's lounge is like going back to dial up...if it even decides to work at all. I can't believe there are only 2 weeks of school left. Needless to say, I'm just a little bit excited. I can't wait to be off for summer. I'm so lucky to have a job that this happens!

Every goodbye makes the next hello closer

The morning Evan had to leave was kind of surreal. The anticipation of him leaving was the real part that was bugging me. I hate him being away, but at the same time I knew the sooner we said "goodbye", the sooner we could just start this deployment thing and start counting down the days to "hello" again. We got all his packed bags in the car, and he gave Scout some loving to say bye.

We got to his unit meeting spot and did the usual standing around waiting, while the guys did the last minute packing up of things. I talked to a few other Army wives, who were about to embark on their very first deployment. We chatted about the usual things, but underneath I could see the worry, sadness, and dread of saying goodbye in their eyes. I absolutely hate that. I wish I could somehow know the exact thing to say or do to make it easier...but really is there anything you can say to comfort someone when their husband is deploying? They are all so brave and strong. I wanted to grab them all in a bear hug, let him bawl their eyes out, and scream about how horrible and stupid this all is. But we couldn't. We had to be strong for our guys. They don't want to leave either, so why make it harder on them? That's just what Army Wives do. They push smiles through tears, act steadily confident through shaking uncertainty, and do anything that their duty requires them to do. I've never been prouder to know these amazing women who stand behind their husbands through anything; its such a stirring feeling of honor to see.

This time I didn't have that hysterical feeling tightening around my chest like I did the last time I had to ship him off. Its a feeling of overwhelming sadness, worry, and panic crushing you all at the same time; add a dash of wanting to hurl your guts up and that's about the exact feeling of you'll have. Fun, right? I'll admit it was probably one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced in my life. The first deployment when I told him goodbye, I immediately ran to my car and cried until I was completely broken. I am happy to say that this time around, those feelings didn't happen. I think Evan and I both felt unnaturally peaceful and a little detached about it all. We knew what to expect, and how to deal with it. The time came where they had to board the bus to the plane. I gave Evan one last hug and kiss goodbye. I made sure to tell him to "Be safe" like I always do. He responded how to normally does, by telling me that "Be safe" doesn't control the situation, if something is going to happen, it's going to happen. Typical Evan, always blatantly honest. I told him to shut-up and that I just needed to say it. That made us laugh. He heaved his pack on and made his way towards the bus. Halfway to the bus and he turned and told me "I love you; see you soon buddy." With a wave and a step on to the bus he was gone. I slowly walked to my car, wishing I felt more. I felt guilty not feeling more perturbed about it all. I guess maybe its a good thing; this time I have a clearer mind to help the girls out.

The guys are in Afghanistan taking care of each other, while we do the same thing on the home front here. In situations like this, you quickly become like close family to people, who just a few months before, were complete strangers. The military really is a world of its own. In its own strange way, maybe that's why some of us stick around so long, even when there are so many things that undoubtedly suck about it. If you're in the military the moment you meet another Army wife, you can already relate to them on some level, because we already know exactly how each other feels without saying a word. "There is a special bond between soldiers created by the harsh realities of their service; a bond which is incomprehensible to the civilian world.  Like their men—Army wives have a bond all their own. (via)" 

WeekEND

Sorry for the absence, I've been trying to find creative ways to breathe out of my face. 

I've found that hot Whiskey combined with Mucinex is a top contender to accomplish this. Unfortunately, I haven't had as much as a sniffle all year, and now the one weekend Evan shipped off I've been dying a slow painful sinus death. Hopefully, I will be back tomorrow with details! (Not of my cold silly, of Evan deploying!)

It's Friday!!! - Right?

Today is my Friday! I asked to be off work tomorrow since Evan is leaving Saturday. We already have plans to eat breakfast at IHop. Who knows what else we will end up doing. I know Evan still hasn't packed his bag yet...so we will probably we packing and running to the store to grab some last minute stuff. 

Pictures from my iPhone this week.

As you can see I was clearly obsessed with shoes, naps, and Scout this week. I believe its safe to say Scout is generally on this list every week. Look how cute he is. 

I'm doing a photo a day this May. I didn't hop on the band wagon in April, since I didn't realize what it was before April was half-way over, but May is a totally different story! I'm excited :) 

Control Freak

Yesterday I was a hot mess. 

I went from feeling like the deployment wasn't anywhere immanent, to a flow blown smack in the face. It was like an atomic bomb hit without warning, and I totally panicked. I just reacted how I normally do in these situations: angry. I was angry at the Chick-fil-a kid who took our order wrong. I was angry at a mom teaching her toddler "chick-en...chick-en" over and over again while we ate. I was angry that there was traffic. I was angry that Tractor Supply didn't have live baby peeps for me to see. I was angry when Evan told me "I love you." I was angry that other people were -in general- alive and in my line of vision. 

I was really pleasant to be around. 

After I apologized for being crazy, and thanked Evan for not divorcing me, I had to take a minute and just sit with the reality of the situation. Its happening and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. You feel out of control and helpless, because lets be honest, we're humans, and humans love being in control. Being in control means sanity, safety, and stability. With a deployment no one is in control. You can try to do things to make yourself think you're sane, safe, and stable, but until you come with the truth, you are just lying to yourself. Yesterday when we got home, Evan and I watched a Band of Brothers to specifically find this dialogue. It went along with exactly what we need to do when letting go of control and facing our fears.

BLITHE
When I landed on D-day, lieutenant, I found myself in a ditch all by myself and I... fell asleep. I think it was those airsickness pills they gave us.

SPEIRS
Uh huh.

BLITHE
But when I woke up, I didn't really... try to find my unit. To fight. I just kind of... stayed put.

SPEIRS
You know why you stayed in that ditch, Blithe?

BLITHE
I was scared, sir.

SPEIRS
We're all scared. It's because you still have hope.

BLITHE
You don't, sir?

SPEIRS
Here's the way I see it. There's only one way for me to fight this war, and that's to accept the fact... that I'm already dead.

Sometimes I get disappointed with myself when I act so angry, to feel in control for no reason. In the moment I feel justified, anyone that crosses me is going to have to deal with it, without the polite, socially aware part of my brain turned on. I'm in control if I'm angry; I won't cry, because crying means I'm weak. Crying means I've lost the game; its beat me. If I'm angry that the Army is sending Evan to war, it means I don't feel responsible or a part of the choice we made as couple to serve in the military. It doesn't really matter what you do: clean your house obsessively, buy clothes, party, drink, have a new boyfriend every week, or fill every moment of your day with something to do, the facts are still there: You aren't in control, there isn't anything you can do to change it. It hurts to face the truth. It isn't any fun, that's why most of us would rather avoid it than face it. Letting go of control means we will see all of the things we absolutely suck at, we will see how weak we are, and will have to deal with the very things we avoid like the plague. 

Lt. Speirs knew that to be a good soldier, you had to let go.When you come to terms with that fact that you're already dead, the threads that hold you back and muddle your mind, will be cut loose. Good soldiers are already dead. As wives, when you accept the fact that your husband might not come home, as awful as it sounds, makes it easier. It gives you peace that God won't ever give you more than you can handle. For me, it makes the stress and worry of deployment a lot lighter. I still worry, but I give myself a line that I can't cross in my mind. This is the line of healthy devotion and delusive hysteria. Worrying over that certain amount won't do anything except add wrinkles to my pretty face and shorten my life. I'm not going to be caught frozen scared, wallowing in my hole of worry and sorrow. I've come to terms with the fact that my husband is already dead. Is it scary? It's terrifying. As I sit here, I'm forcing myself to let it all go and be completely OK with realizing I'm not in control. 

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock

The big D-day is this weekend.

I was a bad Army wife already (no surprise there) and announced "the day" on Facebook, only to get reprimanded that we're not supposed to post dates. I felt like a little kid in trouble at school for not following "the code" that all Army wives are supposed to know. Its like getting detention in high school for not paying attention all over again. Whatever, if we're being honest with ourselves, the Army will probably change it another 4 times until then. And I know I'm totally right on the that one! 

Not to sound like a broken record here, but it doesn't really feel like its deployment time again. I better warm up to the idea pretty quickly, seeing as its happening like - this week. I'm also sorry that this week is like military week on the blog, but hey this whats going on around these parts. Believe me, I wish I could be writing about something completely different. Yesterday we sat around wondering what we should do all day. Story of our lives. We ended up just hanging out and talking, while I snapped pictures.

 ^^^
Loves being my model

After Evan became tried of being my model, we went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things Evan needed before he leaves. I needed a few things for our Thanksgiving dinner we're having tomorrow. I figured since he wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving we needed to celebrate it now. Plus, who wouldn't want an excuse to have some delicious food before he leaves! I'm feeling a little blue at the thought of Evan leaving, but on the other hand, the sooner we get goodbye over with, the sooner we get to say hello again.

I'm personally ready for the hello already.

Sacrifices

Ask almost any proud American if our military makes sacrifices, and they will readily agree with you along with a "Bring our troops home, with a God Bless America" to boot. Let me preface what I'm about to say by stating this isn't a pity party or to make you feel guilty, I'm just being real here. Also I'm not trying to scare the poop out of those who are in the military, thinking about joining, or getting ready to deploy. There are so many positives that outweigh the negatives, its just a very unique job environment. The top 3 ways most civilians think soldiers make sacrifices would be: 

1. Soldiers are away from their families. - Even when soldiers aren't deployed they are away from their families a lot. Evan normally works a 10 hour day, sometimes its longer. On top of these long days, when they aren't deployed they are in schools and training which often take them away from home. The Army trumps family a lot.

2. Soldiers are in 3rd world countries fighting for our freedom. - Would you just love to vacation in the dirtiest, hottest, coldest, and most foreign place on earth where everyone is trying to kill you? I'm betting the answer is no. Well this is where they go. During the day it easily reaches 100 + degrees and then drops below freezing at night; try camping in those conditions. During the day (100+ degrees remember) they wear full gear on patrol, which easily weighs 80-100 pounds. There isn't a bus, they walk. Walking itself is dangerous. IEDs are a major problem, and probably cause the majority of deaths. One bad step and you're legless, or worse, dead. You don't have any personal space or privacy. Evan had an average of 1 (cold) shower a month last deployment. You get to eat the exact same meal of jello eggs for breakfast, an MRE for lunch, and some form of "steaks" for dinner, everyday for a year. Some vacation huh?

3. Soldiers don't make much money. - So we're not millionaires, but we aren't doing half bad compared to most people our age. I'm so proud of us that we live below our income, and are paying off debt like its nobody's business! I guess in retrospect to what these guys go through the pay isn't exactly awesome, but Evan doesn't do his job because of the big bucks. To sound totally cliche, he does it because of what it means to be an American solider.

All of the above are true, but in my mind these aren't necessarily the important ones. Every person that chooses to join the military knows all of those sacrifices before they sign on the dotted line. There are other sacrifices that most of the population don't realize. Heck I didn't even realize these things myself until after a full 1 1/2 years in the Army. The mental burden of being a soldier, as I see it, is the ultimate sacrifice.

I'm no psychologist, but I know soldiers are impacted forever in war. I was a history major, I've studied the stories without a cushie layer to soften the blow. I fully understand the reality of war. Evan and I were watching a documentary on the Korean War last week. As I sat on the couch, I watched with a weak heart as strong, tough vets were trying their hardest to not break down while being interviewed. They can tell their story, but no one else, except fellow soldiers understand what its like. Most of them admitted they hadn't told anyone the stories they were telling in their interviews. It was breaking my heart to watch these guys relive the absolute horror of war. My mind kept racing with a million devastating thoughts. I can't imagine using my (dead) best friend as a sand bag. I can't imagine coming face to face with another living person and then killing them. I can't imagine looking down realizing my legs have been blown off my body. I can't imagine seeing my friends slowly die of horrible, painful wounds. I can't imagine...Then I realized I had a person, my husband sitting beside me, who might have gone through these very unimaginable things. A veil of anguish and inadequacy fell over me.

You see, Evan doesn't talk about Afghanistan. He talks about what his job was there, the funny things - like huge rooms full of weed, but its just surface things. Hes not being fake or trying to hide anything, hes just not comfortable with talking about it, even to me. I don't ask because there are some things that are OK left unspoken. I don't expect him to want to talk with me about it. The only people who know what he went through are his guys. They already know without speaking. Those guys will always have an steadfast bond because of the life-changing experiences that they have gone through together. I know not a day goes by that he doesn't think about the guys that didn't come home. Why can five guys step over an IED, but the sixth set it off? The question of "Why did I survive?" is a constant pain of guilt and torment for any soldier of war. Not only are these men willing to die for their country, but they are willing to take on a silent, struggle daily that none of us can imagine, only to sleep with dreams full of nightmares. Questions that can never be answered and moments that can never be erased from their eyes, minds, and hearts.

Evan and thousands of others will forever live with the mental battle of being a soldier. The battle of living with the impact of war, the things they saw, did, and didn't do. It is so our children will never have to see war. So our babies will never have to wear 80+ pounds of gear through the desert, praying they don't step on an IED. That sacrifice is one that Evan is willing to carry. Hes carrying it for me, for you, and for the future generation of people. So the next time you want to thank a soldier for their sacrifices, know it isn't just being away from their families, being deployed, or not getting paid enough. I hope this gives you a little insight to truly know what the real sacrifices our soldiers make everyday. 

Thrifty Thursday

Oh honey, I'll find you a deal. Don't worry your pretty little mind about that.

 ^ ^ Old bedroom dresser turned into a TV stand. ^ ^

I know these are crappy pictures but this is my vintage bedroom set.

(Not my pictures, but this is my set)

 It looks way cooler in person, I promise. 

It's an Art Deco Kent Coffey Perspecta bedroom set. When I was shopping for furniture for our house, I knew didn't want any cheap pressed wood junk. It can be pricey, not to mention the wear and tear of the Army moving us a lot doesn't exactly hold up well. I knew I could get solid wood (even if it was a little out of date and beat up) for next to nothing. I found this set in a thrift store for $250 with a metal bed frame, minus the night stands. They had sold the night stands separately when someone was interested in them, and the set had been sitting there awhile (I'm still mad about that). At the time I had no idea that the set was considered vintage designer furniture. I simply picked it because I thought the details of the X's were neat, I loved the art-deco streamline look, and the amount of drawers the two dressers were an added bonus. 

 A few nights after purchasing my bedroom set I was on craigslist and noticed a lone dresser that looked exactly like mine, only it was listed for $500, labeled as a rare Kent Coffey piece. My mom and I acted liked two kids trying to not explode when we realized my bedroom set was the exact same! Many of these sets sell for a  minimum of $1,000 (even with my set not having end tables). Money in the bank for this girl. I'm not selling it anytime soon, but its nice to know I can actually make money back, instead of having to throw it away or practically give it away. Just another reason why I love thrifting. 

Research old furniture that has names, usually located on the inside of a drawer, before you buy them. Today its easier than ever, especially with smart phones. You never know what you might have! I simply got lucky the first time around. My TV stand (first picture) I snagged it off a lady through craigslist for $60, who didn't know what she had. I happened to not mention I knew exactly what it was...oops. 

Hugh Hefner is off for the summer

1. Today Evan and I are getting our pictures taken by the amazing Lisette Price. 

So. Freaking. Pumped.  
I've changed our outfit choices about 281 times, made Evan roam Hobby Lobby's aisles for the perfect prop, changed the location (twice), and have been generally stressing over it all. Maybe I'm more suited to be behind the camera instead of in front of it.

2. Don't let your husband do this to you:

 Sometimes we're really bored. Evan burnt the end of a candy cig, and made me sit outside to take my picture. Why you ask? So he could send it to my mom to "tell on me." At the time it seemed really funny, but now as I type this I'm realizing just how weird we are, which makes it still funny. Please notice I'm wearing Evan's Hugh Hefner robe to make the picture that much classier.

 3. I love having funny friends.

4. Scout looks like a mammoth dog in this picture.

He has been inhaling all his dog food in the morning after I leave for work, while Evan is still sleeping. Hes hoping that Evan will think I didn't feed him, so he will feed him again. Sneaky, sneaky.

5. In exactly 5 weeks I'll be done with work for the summer! 

I don't think I can correctly convey in words about how excited I am. I'm so lucky to have a job that "lets out" for summer, its probably my favorite part of working in a high school. For our entire lives we "get out" for the summer, then as soon as we're responsible adults we're forced to sit inside of white walls, staring longingly out of barred windows. I just might go crazy if that was the case. Here is to tans coming my way soon!

Another Saturday Night

Our Saturday was the usual here. A lot of sleeping in occurred with fluffy stack of pancakes to follow.

Scout enjoy them too!

After breakfast we decided that we would head down to Nashville and check out the Opry Mall. It is located right beside Bass Pro Shop which makes it a prime location. (Drop your husband off at Bass Pro and you can shop without playing 20 questions before you purchase anything!) I'm just kidding, actually Evan is usually a pretty good shopper as long as I buy him a pretzel and slushie at some point. The original mall was flooded and they had to completely re-renovate the entire mall. It just opened back up a few weeks ago. We got there early, but it was still packed! The first store I walked into my eyes and this top connected; It was meant to be. I did the first thing I always do, look at the price tag. $200 stared back at me. I told Evan we should just leave this store now, because I didn't want to look around and have my heart broken. The mall itself is really nice, most of the stores are high end, but there are places like Forever 21 too. I might want to add that the Forever 21 was HUGE! I'm talking as big as a normal Wal-Mart. I was standing there trying to not look like I was from po-dunk town Pennsylvania, but I failed. I didn't even know where to start! It wasn't a bad problem to have.

A lot of the basic tops I have are either too big, or washed to ruins. I got these 2 v-necks at J. Crew for $14 each. I was also looking for jeans, but I had no luck in that department.

Delicate lace skirt from Banana Republic for $20. 

We got home and took a nap, because spending money takes it out of you. Made tacos for dinner and then let Scout being weird to entertain us. (We also bought pop with chips and dip...rebellious I know)