I'm Single & Married

Besides being able to drink out of the milk carton without fear, they'res a myriad of other things that one can do when one's husband is deployed. Like...eating sandwiches for every meal of the day, having a laundry pile in every room, or not wearing pants (so I might do this when he's home...).

^^^

Ok, I typed that spiel first and then found this video...I seriously couldn't stop laughing, its so sad but true! 

"Things that seem normal when you live alone"

So I'm married, but still living the semi-single life. I live alone, cook for one, and have all the responsibilities of taking care of house stuff by myself. I have girls nights, decorate the house without fear of manly disapproval over ruffles or glitter, and most importantly I am responsible for eating the whole batch of brownies by myself (rough life). Its a weird limbo to be in when your husband is deployed. You have to be independent, but still mentally work as though you are on a team. Its so easy to become negative whenever your husband is gone, and many people wouldn't fault you on that, but just today I've realized a lot of positive things about being on vacation from my husband. When I say "vacation" sometimes it can seem like being at the beach, but getting attacked by seagulls the whole time you're there. (Insert live-alone British accent) I say there, you're being quite negative aren't you! Fear not love, your darling will return soon!

I apologize for that. Moving on...

1. First off I'm becoming a better person for my husband. We all have our bad habits, and when we get married these bad habits usually come to the surface pretty quickly, not to mention they can get ugly fast. Little things like not putting the toilet seat down, leaving your finger clippings on the coffee table, or just being plain messy can make it hard to live with someone. For all you neat, organized people out there, sometimes us messy people just don't want to hear you yack in our ear about doing things your way. As you all know, I'm one of those messy people that's constantly doesn't always, keep things tidy consistently. A good thing about my husband being gone? I can work on getting better without constantly feeling like a failure. Evan knows what I suck at, and he knows I suck at keeping dishes out of the sink. If I let a pile stack up he will do them without a single complaint, just because he knows I need help in this department, and because he loves me. If Evan was here, I know every time he saw the sink full of dishes it would bug him, and I would beat myself up for not just putting them in the dishwasher. I hate it that I'm messy. I hate it that I can't seem to get my clothes put away. These seemingly simple tasks just don't work out naturally for me, and it really bothers me (and Evan). Surprisingly I'm slowly getting better. I'm consciously striving to pick up as I go around the house. With Evan not here, he doesn't have to put up with the 6 months of me trying to get it right! By the time he gets home I'll have mastered it, without a single clean-up-your-crap argument! Its a beautiful thing.

2. We all know the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Its a total cliche, but until you've been apart from your sweetie, you really don't know how true this is. Every minute we are apart makes me appreciate the time when we are together. Military life is a constant wake up call to not take time together for granted. I think more American families could use a dose of this. On a daily basis I am reminded how blessed I am to be an American, and thank God for everyday that Evan and I do have together.

3. I have a lot more "me" time. Getting married means much of your focus goes toward your spouse. Its not a bag thing, I'm just being a realist here. All you married people knew what you were getting yourself into! When you live together its hard to get away from each other. I mean that is the best way possible of course.When you live in the same house, you both are always gravitating to wherever the other one is, even if you don't realize it. You check in on each other just to see what the other one is doing. If I've been in the bathroom longer than normal, 9 times out of 10 I'll see the door creek open and Evan ask what I'm doing. Plucking my brows to perfection, duh! If Evans been upstairs in his office, I'll go up and sit on the couch just because. Having all this time to myself I've done a few things just for me. Making time for a 1 hour workout a day, watching Sister Wives without hearing a single complaint, and traveling around to spend one on one girl time with my old friends are just a few of the me things I am free to do. For example, I got to visit my best friends Krysti and Katie for a whole week this summer, and spent 2 months with my family in Pennsylvania. I would have never had the opportunity to do that if Evan had been home because I would have been busy being a wife! 

If I could snap my fingers and teleport Evan here, I would do it in a heartbeat; Unfortunately I can't. But what I can do is appreciate all of the good things that comes with deployments, then find a way to suck it up and deal with the bad things. I think deployments are a lot like having a baby. For 9 months (or more) you worry, ache, and generally feel uncomfortable. At the same time you feel proud, forming and protecting something that truly matters. Then, you go through hours of pain, labor, and maybe even death. Once the baby is born however, none of the other awful stuff matters. That's exactly what deployments are like. You are proud of your husband for protecting our freedoms, but us wives worry our butts off, we hate having our men away. But, the minutes their boots touch home and we get to grab them, that crazy moment is worth all the late Skype calls, packing care boxes, and waking up with a heart attack because you are absolutely sure there is someone in the house. Oh these husbands...what we do for them!

A Small Moment

Yesterday I gathered up a pile of clothes to do a few loads of laundry. I mindlessly grabbed socks, underwear, shorts, and shirts that I had aimlessly left disgaurded on the bathroom and bedroom floor. Each piece was quickly plucked into the hamper as I made my way around the room, like making my way through a maze. To my satisfaction the maze of work clothes, jeans, and PJ's slowly evaporated. I rounded the corner of our bed continuing my cleaning fury, unaware of what I was about to face. 

A crumpled white t-shirt found its way to my hands. In my mind I knew it was just an undershirt, but in my hands it felt sad and heavy. I froze, holding it steadily. Slowly I lifted it to my nose and breathed in deeply. It still smelled like him. It made me feel overwhelmingly comforted but somber all at the same time. I was fixed in the middle of my room holding a plain white t-shirt, just staring at it deciding what to do. 

"Do I wash it?"

 "No, I can't do that, it won't smell like him anymore."

"Its eventually not going to smell like him, so why wait for it to gradually fade away?"

"Because, if I wash this I might not remember what he smells like."

"What if its the last thing I ever smell of his?"

"Meredith you can't think like that."

"I know, I know."

"I should probably wash it and get it over with."

"Ugh fine."

I stood holding the shirt over the washer feeling uncertain. The water plunged into the soap accumulating a bed of bubbles that was quickly rising, hungry to wash away any essence of Evan that was left. A prick of annoyance pressed past the pensive mood.

"What am I doing standing here gawking at a stupid shirt?"
"Its not stupid."
"Yes it is, why am I letting the stupid Army make me feel this way?"
"You just want remember him."
"It's ridiculous, I'm not playing this game. I'm just going to wash it."

I tossed the shirt in and slammed the lid shut.

I get upset at myself when I let these kind of things get to me. Only in this world does laundry become an exorbitant, emotional endeavor. Something as simple as a white undershirt can stop me dead in my tracks, petrified like a hunted wild animal...its flustering sometimes. It takes me right back to the moment when we first moved in together. Proud that I, his wife, got to wash them, fold them, and put them away in the perfect part of his dresser with care. The moment where we were getting ready for a date together. I loved watching him shave and get ready; he looked so handsome in his plain white t-shirt. How many times have I hugged that t-shirt and its hugged back, warm and intoxicating. Now its a cold and formless. I miss the person inside that shirt. Tender moments like this painfully come to life when hes away. It makes me feel happy, sad, angry, and rattled all at the same time. I don't always know how to deal with it, but I know I can't keep him here by not washing his things. Instead of holding on to a shirt that he once wore, I need to wash it, make it smell good and clean, fold it crisply, and tuck it away in his dresser. When the day arrives that he comes home, which will be soon, I'll watch him open his dresser, reach in and put on his familiar white t-shirt.

A few weeks after he gets back I'll probably be grumbling at him for not putting his shirt in the laundry!      

- Large dramatic exhale -

This is my last full week of work before I'm off for summer break. I can't believe its the end of the year already, but I'm more than excited to get out of this building for a few months. I now know why they give teachers off for the summer: children would die. This break is necessary to save lives. I wish I was joking. All those teachers you see in the news for hitting their students and thought were crazy? Well I beg to differ my friends. They were totally legit and completely justified. Ok I'm just joking, you should never hit a student, yada yada yada...unless they deserve it. Sarcasm is a real friend this week. I'll be headed home for awhile to visit with my family and then come back here to finish out my summer until school starts. So many things are going on in the next month its kind of unreal. I'm excited for it all! 

This past weekend was a lot of fun. Saturday my friend Kaylee, another Army wife, came up from Nashville to visit. We spent the day thrifting, (my awesome finds will be on here soon) then went to dinner and a movie. We saw The Five Year Engagement. I'm still tying to figure out how in the world the movie got a 63% on Rotten Tomatoes, because I thought it was super strange. Maybe I just didn't understand the type of humor in it. The whole time Kaylee and I just kept laughing awkwardly with confused looks on our faces, not being totally sure if something was funny, unexpected, or serious. Plus, I hate movies where it takes years for the characters to realize they are perfect for each other. Just friggin get married.

 I am really proud of myself; I've been keeping everything pretty tidy at my house. Now I know this might sound trivial to some, but for me this is like keeping Gollum from his precious. Please don't picture me as a main star in an episode of Hoarders. I'm clean; I'm not organized, but I'm slowly getting there. I've started with just focusing on the kitchen and living room area, then I can work up to my Kryptonite area...our bedroom. I have problems putting clothes away. This is all on top of puppy sitting I might add. Rudder, my friend's lab puppy, has been with Scout and I since Thursday. Lets just say I've got really good at cleaning carpets. He and Scout have had such a good time playing together though, its worth it. They are so cute when they play together, its entertaining enough in itself!

  

Evan will officially have Skype this deployment! They were trying to figure out a way to wire internet to their bunker/living area to have it. They needed a spool of internet cable; it just took them awhile to find some. Lord knows how you come across that in Afghanistan. I didn't ask, I was simply happy they got it all set up. I'm beyond excited that we will be able to see each other! He also received his mailing address, so the boxes can officially start being sent. He needed baby wipes and hand sanitizer, so I got those things, and then some to send him. I'll try to remember to take pictures the next time I make up a box, so I can show everyone what I pack to send him. This time around I packed his mail, some magazines, his favorite snacks, and a few other things that are going to be a surprise! 

I am the wife of an American Solider

OK, so I usually hate stupid, sappy, my life is harder than yours, excuses for military spouses that some (not all) use. I know that the majority of people aren't like this, but the few that are drive me up a wall. My friends can readily attest that my blood pressure goes through the roof over overly zealous, bumper sticker ridden cars with Army wives carrying camo purses, wearing dog tags, and always bellyaching about how hard life is. I feel like a jerk admitting this, but its true! Evan keeps pulling my leg about how hes going to sneak one of these examples (below) on to my car...I. would. die.

Bumper sticks like these set me off:

I think planning strategic ways to kill people, while trying to stay alive yourself, while living in a 3rd world country is a little tougher. 

Who loves a man in dirty ACUS? Um...nobody, especially not this girl! They are stinky and disgusting! My clothes are never washed together with any of Evans Army stuff. I'm tempted to wash a load with nothing in  it between washes to wash the washer for goodness sake! Even Evan won't wash his own regular clothes with his Army clothes...that's saying something! 

 No it's not, because you're still alive to drive your ridiculous car around. 

Lastly, my favorite. I wish you could have seen my face when I originally laid eyes on it. Not only is it inappropriate but who says that, let alone plasters it on the back of a car?!?!

 The "you're so much stronger than me" or "I could never be away from my husband that long like you" comments make me cringe. I know people are just trying to be supportive and thankful, I just have a hard time accepting it without feeling like people are feeling sorry for me. I need to change my attitude on this, because it probably just me making up crazy stuff in my mind. So here I go with a foot in the right direction. I stumbled across this the other day, and I have to admit it is a kinda cool poem. Look, I promise I'm not going to hang it in my house or anything. 

I am the wife of an American Soldier. 

I am a supporter of the United States Army - an encouragement for the protectors of the greatest nation on earth. 

Because I am proud of my husband and the  uniform that he wears, I will always act in ways creditable to him, the military service and the nation he is sworn to gaurd.

I am proud of my husband. I will do all that I can to protect and provide for my family in his absence. I will be loyal to myhusband and to the vows that we made as we entered the covenant of marriage.

I will do my full part to carry on the valuesand goals we have set apart for our family and I will continue to instruct our children in the same manner.

As a soldier's wife, I realize that I play a vital role in my husband's decision to become a member of a time-honored profession - that I am doing my share to keep alive the principles of freedom for which my country stands. No matter what situation I am in, I will never do anything, for pleasure, profit, or personal safety, which will disgrace my husband, his uniform or our country.

I will use every means I have to encourage my husband to be the best soldier that he can be.

I am proud of my husband, my country and its flag.

I will fly the flag and will always remember the sacrafices made by my husband and by generations of men and women that have served our beloved country. I will try to make my husband proud of the manner in which I accept his decision to defend my freedom andthe freedom of all American citizens -for I am the wife of an American soldier.

Every goodbye makes the next hello closer

The morning Evan had to leave was kind of surreal. The anticipation of him leaving was the real part that was bugging me. I hate him being away, but at the same time I knew the sooner we said "goodbye", the sooner we could just start this deployment thing and start counting down the days to "hello" again. We got all his packed bags in the car, and he gave Scout some loving to say bye.

We got to his unit meeting spot and did the usual standing around waiting, while the guys did the last minute packing up of things. I talked to a few other Army wives, who were about to embark on their very first deployment. We chatted about the usual things, but underneath I could see the worry, sadness, and dread of saying goodbye in their eyes. I absolutely hate that. I wish I could somehow know the exact thing to say or do to make it easier...but really is there anything you can say to comfort someone when their husband is deploying? They are all so brave and strong. I wanted to grab them all in a bear hug, let him bawl their eyes out, and scream about how horrible and stupid this all is. But we couldn't. We had to be strong for our guys. They don't want to leave either, so why make it harder on them? That's just what Army Wives do. They push smiles through tears, act steadily confident through shaking uncertainty, and do anything that their duty requires them to do. I've never been prouder to know these amazing women who stand behind their husbands through anything; its such a stirring feeling of honor to see.

This time I didn't have that hysterical feeling tightening around my chest like I did the last time I had to ship him off. Its a feeling of overwhelming sadness, worry, and panic crushing you all at the same time; add a dash of wanting to hurl your guts up and that's about the exact feeling of you'll have. Fun, right? I'll admit it was probably one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced in my life. The first deployment when I told him goodbye, I immediately ran to my car and cried until I was completely broken. I am happy to say that this time around, those feelings didn't happen. I think Evan and I both felt unnaturally peaceful and a little detached about it all. We knew what to expect, and how to deal with it. The time came where they had to board the bus to the plane. I gave Evan one last hug and kiss goodbye. I made sure to tell him to "Be safe" like I always do. He responded how to normally does, by telling me that "Be safe" doesn't control the situation, if something is going to happen, it's going to happen. Typical Evan, always blatantly honest. I told him to shut-up and that I just needed to say it. That made us laugh. He heaved his pack on and made his way towards the bus. Halfway to the bus and he turned and told me "I love you; see you soon buddy." With a wave and a step on to the bus he was gone. I slowly walked to my car, wishing I felt more. I felt guilty not feeling more perturbed about it all. I guess maybe its a good thing; this time I have a clearer mind to help the girls out.

The guys are in Afghanistan taking care of each other, while we do the same thing on the home front here. In situations like this, you quickly become like close family to people, who just a few months before, were complete strangers. The military really is a world of its own. In its own strange way, maybe that's why some of us stick around so long, even when there are so many things that undoubtedly suck about it. If you're in the military the moment you meet another Army wife, you can already relate to them on some level, because we already know exactly how each other feels without saying a word. "There is a special bond between soldiers created by the harsh realities of their service; a bond which is incomprehensible to the civilian world.  Like their men—Army wives have a bond all their own. (via)"