I'm Single & Married

Besides being able to drink out of the milk carton without fear, they'res a myriad of other things that one can do when one's husband is deployed. Like...eating sandwiches for every meal of the day, having a laundry pile in every room, or not wearing pants (so I might do this when he's home...).

^^^

Ok, I typed that spiel first and then found this video...I seriously couldn't stop laughing, its so sad but true! 

"Things that seem normal when you live alone"

So I'm married, but still living the semi-single life. I live alone, cook for one, and have all the responsibilities of taking care of house stuff by myself. I have girls nights, decorate the house without fear of manly disapproval over ruffles or glitter, and most importantly I am responsible for eating the whole batch of brownies by myself (rough life). Its a weird limbo to be in when your husband is deployed. You have to be independent, but still mentally work as though you are on a team. Its so easy to become negative whenever your husband is gone, and many people wouldn't fault you on that, but just today I've realized a lot of positive things about being on vacation from my husband. When I say "vacation" sometimes it can seem like being at the beach, but getting attacked by seagulls the whole time you're there. (Insert live-alone British accent) I say there, you're being quite negative aren't you! Fear not love, your darling will return soon!

I apologize for that. Moving on...

1. First off I'm becoming a better person for my husband. We all have our bad habits, and when we get married these bad habits usually come to the surface pretty quickly, not to mention they can get ugly fast. Little things like not putting the toilet seat down, leaving your finger clippings on the coffee table, or just being plain messy can make it hard to live with someone. For all you neat, organized people out there, sometimes us messy people just don't want to hear you yack in our ear about doing things your way. As you all know, I'm one of those messy people that's constantly doesn't always, keep things tidy consistently. A good thing about my husband being gone? I can work on getting better without constantly feeling like a failure. Evan knows what I suck at, and he knows I suck at keeping dishes out of the sink. If I let a pile stack up he will do them without a single complaint, just because he knows I need help in this department, and because he loves me. If Evan was here, I know every time he saw the sink full of dishes it would bug him, and I would beat myself up for not just putting them in the dishwasher. I hate it that I'm messy. I hate it that I can't seem to get my clothes put away. These seemingly simple tasks just don't work out naturally for me, and it really bothers me (and Evan). Surprisingly I'm slowly getting better. I'm consciously striving to pick up as I go around the house. With Evan not here, he doesn't have to put up with the 6 months of me trying to get it right! By the time he gets home I'll have mastered it, without a single clean-up-your-crap argument! Its a beautiful thing.

2. We all know the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Its a total cliche, but until you've been apart from your sweetie, you really don't know how true this is. Every minute we are apart makes me appreciate the time when we are together. Military life is a constant wake up call to not take time together for granted. I think more American families could use a dose of this. On a daily basis I am reminded how blessed I am to be an American, and thank God for everyday that Evan and I do have together.

3. I have a lot more "me" time. Getting married means much of your focus goes toward your spouse. Its not a bag thing, I'm just being a realist here. All you married people knew what you were getting yourself into! When you live together its hard to get away from each other. I mean that is the best way possible of course.When you live in the same house, you both are always gravitating to wherever the other one is, even if you don't realize it. You check in on each other just to see what the other one is doing. If I've been in the bathroom longer than normal, 9 times out of 10 I'll see the door creek open and Evan ask what I'm doing. Plucking my brows to perfection, duh! If Evans been upstairs in his office, I'll go up and sit on the couch just because. Having all this time to myself I've done a few things just for me. Making time for a 1 hour workout a day, watching Sister Wives without hearing a single complaint, and traveling around to spend one on one girl time with my old friends are just a few of the me things I am free to do. For example, I got to visit my best friends Krysti and Katie for a whole week this summer, and spent 2 months with my family in Pennsylvania. I would have never had the opportunity to do that if Evan had been home because I would have been busy being a wife! 

If I could snap my fingers and teleport Evan here, I would do it in a heartbeat; Unfortunately I can't. But what I can do is appreciate all of the good things that comes with deployments, then find a way to suck it up and deal with the bad things. I think deployments are a lot like having a baby. For 9 months (or more) you worry, ache, and generally feel uncomfortable. At the same time you feel proud, forming and protecting something that truly matters. Then, you go through hours of pain, labor, and maybe even death. Once the baby is born however, none of the other awful stuff matters. That's exactly what deployments are like. You are proud of your husband for protecting our freedoms, but us wives worry our butts off, we hate having our men away. But, the minutes their boots touch home and we get to grab them, that crazy moment is worth all the late Skype calls, packing care boxes, and waking up with a heart attack because you are absolutely sure there is someone in the house. Oh these husbands...what we do for them!

Control Freak

Yesterday I was a hot mess. 

I went from feeling like the deployment wasn't anywhere immanent, to a flow blown smack in the face. It was like an atomic bomb hit without warning, and I totally panicked. I just reacted how I normally do in these situations: angry. I was angry at the Chick-fil-a kid who took our order wrong. I was angry at a mom teaching her toddler "chick-en...chick-en" over and over again while we ate. I was angry that there was traffic. I was angry that Tractor Supply didn't have live baby peeps for me to see. I was angry when Evan told me "I love you." I was angry that other people were -in general- alive and in my line of vision. 

I was really pleasant to be around. 

After I apologized for being crazy, and thanked Evan for not divorcing me, I had to take a minute and just sit with the reality of the situation. Its happening and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. You feel out of control and helpless, because lets be honest, we're humans, and humans love being in control. Being in control means sanity, safety, and stability. With a deployment no one is in control. You can try to do things to make yourself think you're sane, safe, and stable, but until you come with the truth, you are just lying to yourself. Yesterday when we got home, Evan and I watched a Band of Brothers to specifically find this dialogue. It went along with exactly what we need to do when letting go of control and facing our fears.

BLITHE
When I landed on D-day, lieutenant, I found myself in a ditch all by myself and I... fell asleep. I think it was those airsickness pills they gave us.

SPEIRS
Uh huh.

BLITHE
But when I woke up, I didn't really... try to find my unit. To fight. I just kind of... stayed put.

SPEIRS
You know why you stayed in that ditch, Blithe?

BLITHE
I was scared, sir.

SPEIRS
We're all scared. It's because you still have hope.

BLITHE
You don't, sir?

SPEIRS
Here's the way I see it. There's only one way for me to fight this war, and that's to accept the fact... that I'm already dead.

Sometimes I get disappointed with myself when I act so angry, to feel in control for no reason. In the moment I feel justified, anyone that crosses me is going to have to deal with it, without the polite, socially aware part of my brain turned on. I'm in control if I'm angry; I won't cry, because crying means I'm weak. Crying means I've lost the game; its beat me. If I'm angry that the Army is sending Evan to war, it means I don't feel responsible or a part of the choice we made as couple to serve in the military. It doesn't really matter what you do: clean your house obsessively, buy clothes, party, drink, have a new boyfriend every week, or fill every moment of your day with something to do, the facts are still there: You aren't in control, there isn't anything you can do to change it. It hurts to face the truth. It isn't any fun, that's why most of us would rather avoid it than face it. Letting go of control means we will see all of the things we absolutely suck at, we will see how weak we are, and will have to deal with the very things we avoid like the plague. 

Lt. Speirs knew that to be a good soldier, you had to let go.When you come to terms with that fact that you're already dead, the threads that hold you back and muddle your mind, will be cut loose. Good soldiers are already dead. As wives, when you accept the fact that your husband might not come home, as awful as it sounds, makes it easier. It gives you peace that God won't ever give you more than you can handle. For me, it makes the stress and worry of deployment a lot lighter. I still worry, but I give myself a line that I can't cross in my mind. This is the line of healthy devotion and delusive hysteria. Worrying over that certain amount won't do anything except add wrinkles to my pretty face and shorten my life. I'm not going to be caught frozen scared, wallowing in my hole of worry and sorrow. I've come to terms with the fact that my husband is already dead. Is it scary? It's terrifying. As I sit here, I'm forcing myself to let it all go and be completely OK with realizing I'm not in control.