Control Freak

Yesterday I was a hot mess. 

I went from feeling like the deployment wasn't anywhere immanent, to a flow blown smack in the face. It was like an atomic bomb hit without warning, and I totally panicked. I just reacted how I normally do in these situations: angry. I was angry at the Chick-fil-a kid who took our order wrong. I was angry at a mom teaching her toddler "chick-en...chick-en" over and over again while we ate. I was angry that there was traffic. I was angry that Tractor Supply didn't have live baby peeps for me to see. I was angry when Evan told me "I love you." I was angry that other people were -in general- alive and in my line of vision. 

I was really pleasant to be around. 

After I apologized for being crazy, and thanked Evan for not divorcing me, I had to take a minute and just sit with the reality of the situation. Its happening and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. You feel out of control and helpless, because lets be honest, we're humans, and humans love being in control. Being in control means sanity, safety, and stability. With a deployment no one is in control. You can try to do things to make yourself think you're sane, safe, and stable, but until you come with the truth, you are just lying to yourself. Yesterday when we got home, Evan and I watched a Band of Brothers to specifically find this dialogue. It went along with exactly what we need to do when letting go of control and facing our fears.

BLITHE
When I landed on D-day, lieutenant, I found myself in a ditch all by myself and I... fell asleep. I think it was those airsickness pills they gave us.

SPEIRS
Uh huh.

BLITHE
But when I woke up, I didn't really... try to find my unit. To fight. I just kind of... stayed put.

SPEIRS
You know why you stayed in that ditch, Blithe?

BLITHE
I was scared, sir.

SPEIRS
We're all scared. It's because you still have hope.

BLITHE
You don't, sir?

SPEIRS
Here's the way I see it. There's only one way for me to fight this war, and that's to accept the fact... that I'm already dead.

Sometimes I get disappointed with myself when I act so angry, to feel in control for no reason. In the moment I feel justified, anyone that crosses me is going to have to deal with it, without the polite, socially aware part of my brain turned on. I'm in control if I'm angry; I won't cry, because crying means I'm weak. Crying means I've lost the game; its beat me. If I'm angry that the Army is sending Evan to war, it means I don't feel responsible or a part of the choice we made as couple to serve in the military. It doesn't really matter what you do: clean your house obsessively, buy clothes, party, drink, have a new boyfriend every week, or fill every moment of your day with something to do, the facts are still there: You aren't in control, there isn't anything you can do to change it. It hurts to face the truth. It isn't any fun, that's why most of us would rather avoid it than face it. Letting go of control means we will see all of the things we absolutely suck at, we will see how weak we are, and will have to deal with the very things we avoid like the plague. 

Lt. Speirs knew that to be a good soldier, you had to let go.When you come to terms with that fact that you're already dead, the threads that hold you back and muddle your mind, will be cut loose. Good soldiers are already dead. As wives, when you accept the fact that your husband might not come home, as awful as it sounds, makes it easier. It gives you peace that God won't ever give you more than you can handle. For me, it makes the stress and worry of deployment a lot lighter. I still worry, but I give myself a line that I can't cross in my mind. This is the line of healthy devotion and delusive hysteria. Worrying over that certain amount won't do anything except add wrinkles to my pretty face and shorten my life. I'm not going to be caught frozen scared, wallowing in my hole of worry and sorrow. I've come to terms with the fact that my husband is already dead. Is it scary? It's terrifying. As I sit here, I'm forcing myself to let it all go and be completely OK with realizing I'm not in control. 

Hugh Hefner is off for the summer

1. Today Evan and I are getting our pictures taken by the amazing Lisette Price. 

So. Freaking. Pumped.  
I've changed our outfit choices about 281 times, made Evan roam Hobby Lobby's aisles for the perfect prop, changed the location (twice), and have been generally stressing over it all. Maybe I'm more suited to be behind the camera instead of in front of it.

2. Don't let your husband do this to you:

 Sometimes we're really bored. Evan burnt the end of a candy cig, and made me sit outside to take my picture. Why you ask? So he could send it to my mom to "tell on me." At the time it seemed really funny, but now as I type this I'm realizing just how weird we are, which makes it still funny. Please notice I'm wearing Evan's Hugh Hefner robe to make the picture that much classier.

 3. I love having funny friends.

4. Scout looks like a mammoth dog in this picture.

He has been inhaling all his dog food in the morning after I leave for work, while Evan is still sleeping. Hes hoping that Evan will think I didn't feed him, so he will feed him again. Sneaky, sneaky.

5. In exactly 5 weeks I'll be done with work for the summer! 

I don't think I can correctly convey in words about how excited I am. I'm so lucky to have a job that "lets out" for summer, its probably my favorite part of working in a high school. For our entire lives we "get out" for the summer, then as soon as we're responsible adults we're forced to sit inside of white walls, staring longingly out of barred windows. I just might go crazy if that was the case. Here is to tans coming my way soon!

RIP Lucy and Happy Easter

You guys remember Lucy right?

- Scout's brand new $60 dog bed - 

I'm sorry, you might not recognize her since she's in about a BILLION different pieces.

We came home to this lovely sight a few nights ago, after going out to dinner...needless to say, Scout was very proud of himself. He thought he had done us the biggest favor that we could ever ask for! Too bad I can't ever recalling wishing for this kind of favor. As much as I wanted to strangle him, he looked way too happy and impressed with himself to not laugh! I'm sorry we let it end this way Lucy, but I guess it was bound to happen sometime!

It makes me really sad that today doesn't feel like Easter. I wish I had gone to church. For some reason I always chicken out going by myself. That needs to change. Scout and I sunbathed outside while I read the last book of the Hunger Games for most of the day. I ate chicken noodle soup with crackers for dinner. It seemed like I should be doing something bigger, better for today. When I talked to my Dad tonight he said it didn't feel like Easter either, so maybe its not just me this year.