Control Freak

Yesterday I was a hot mess. 

I went from feeling like the deployment wasn't anywhere immanent, to a flow blown smack in the face. It was like an atomic bomb hit without warning, and I totally panicked. I just reacted how I normally do in these situations: angry. I was angry at the Chick-fil-a kid who took our order wrong. I was angry at a mom teaching her toddler "chick-en...chick-en" over and over again while we ate. I was angry that there was traffic. I was angry that Tractor Supply didn't have live baby peeps for me to see. I was angry when Evan told me "I love you." I was angry that other people were -in general- alive and in my line of vision. 

I was really pleasant to be around. 

After I apologized for being crazy, and thanked Evan for not divorcing me, I had to take a minute and just sit with the reality of the situation. Its happening and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. You feel out of control and helpless, because lets be honest, we're humans, and humans love being in control. Being in control means sanity, safety, and stability. With a deployment no one is in control. You can try to do things to make yourself think you're sane, safe, and stable, but until you come with the truth, you are just lying to yourself. Yesterday when we got home, Evan and I watched a Band of Brothers to specifically find this dialogue. It went along with exactly what we need to do when letting go of control and facing our fears.

BLITHE
When I landed on D-day, lieutenant, I found myself in a ditch all by myself and I... fell asleep. I think it was those airsickness pills they gave us.

SPEIRS
Uh huh.

BLITHE
But when I woke up, I didn't really... try to find my unit. To fight. I just kind of... stayed put.

SPEIRS
You know why you stayed in that ditch, Blithe?

BLITHE
I was scared, sir.

SPEIRS
We're all scared. It's because you still have hope.

BLITHE
You don't, sir?

SPEIRS
Here's the way I see it. There's only one way for me to fight this war, and that's to accept the fact... that I'm already dead.

Sometimes I get disappointed with myself when I act so angry, to feel in control for no reason. In the moment I feel justified, anyone that crosses me is going to have to deal with it, without the polite, socially aware part of my brain turned on. I'm in control if I'm angry; I won't cry, because crying means I'm weak. Crying means I've lost the game; its beat me. If I'm angry that the Army is sending Evan to war, it means I don't feel responsible or a part of the choice we made as couple to serve in the military. It doesn't really matter what you do: clean your house obsessively, buy clothes, party, drink, have a new boyfriend every week, or fill every moment of your day with something to do, the facts are still there: You aren't in control, there isn't anything you can do to change it. It hurts to face the truth. It isn't any fun, that's why most of us would rather avoid it than face it. Letting go of control means we will see all of the things we absolutely suck at, we will see how weak we are, and will have to deal with the very things we avoid like the plague. 

Lt. Speirs knew that to be a good soldier, you had to let go.When you come to terms with that fact that you're already dead, the threads that hold you back and muddle your mind, will be cut loose. Good soldiers are already dead. As wives, when you accept the fact that your husband might not come home, as awful as it sounds, makes it easier. It gives you peace that God won't ever give you more than you can handle. For me, it makes the stress and worry of deployment a lot lighter. I still worry, but I give myself a line that I can't cross in my mind. This is the line of healthy devotion and delusive hysteria. Worrying over that certain amount won't do anything except add wrinkles to my pretty face and shorten my life. I'm not going to be caught frozen scared, wallowing in my hole of worry and sorrow. I've come to terms with the fact that my husband is already dead. Is it scary? It's terrifying. As I sit here, I'm forcing myself to let it all go and be completely OK with realizing I'm not in control. 

25 Years Young

Happy Birthday to Evan!

My man is 25 today. 25!!! I seriously can't believe how fast time flies. I guess it is true that time flies when you're having fun. I'm so proud of all the amazing things Evan has accomplished in his short 25 years of life. This morning we slept in, drank coffee, and made egg bagel sandwiches for breakfast. He left today before lunch to drive home for Easter week. Hes going too see all his family before he deploys. Scout and I are staying here since I have to work Monday. It stinks since he just got back from Louisiana...I mean who said I should have a job anyway? Oh wait, I think it was those things called bills! haha Despite Evan taking a family hiatus, Scout and I have some plans to keep us busy. I'll update you later this week on those projects!

I congratulated Evan on having our car insurance come down since he was considered an old man now. He was actually pretty excited about it too and added: "Well, now that I got all the cool birthdays out of the way, the next birthday to look forward to is 65 when I can retire." Perfect, you only have 40 years to go! 

(I might or might not have ignored Thirfty Thursday on purpose....Sorry! I had no motivation to upload the pictures I took...It's coming soon I promise, I have some awesome clothes to show!)

We shan't ever fight again!

It's amazing what 3 weeks apart will do to a couple. 

All of a sudden you're in googly-eyed love again. That sweet little face has never done a thing to annoy you! (That you're dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin chemically surged brain seems to remember.) Evan and I love each other very much, but sometimes love doesn't stop you from wanting to slap your spouse silly when they get on your last nerve. We are pretty extreme opposites, which can make it easy to find things to fight about. Understanding how the other person solves problems and communicates is another trip wire that's against us too. I usually irately yell and scream my opinion and then shut down when the other person (namely Evan) doesn't immediately agree with me -- I don't want to talk, be touched, or be in a room with another breathing human being. Evan on the other hand, wants to talk in a calm voice, in close proximity, and then hug it out. Yeah, try working that one out. The longer we're together the better we're getting at "fighting."

 Time apart does things certain things to you though. It blotches out the dark spots and makes the sweet, silver lining shine brighter. It makes you remember why you love that person for exactly who they are. In some berserk way it makes you miss the very things that drive you up a wall when they are normally around. But I guess that's what loving someone is all about; loving the good and bad. By the end of Evan's training trip he was a little exasperated. "I'm more than ready to see you. I realized these last three weeks that you are the only thing that keeps me sane and not an extremely angry person." he said in a text. When he came home he immediately gave me a big hug and exclaimed with charm "I love you so much I never want to fight with you again!" I was thinking more like "Awww that's sweet but let's not hold our breath because we both know that's completely crazy and will never happen." with a big hug and smile in return.

Little did I know Evan was 100% serious when he expressed his undying, no fighting love for me. I mean does anyone really enjoy fighting with anyone that they care about? We decided together, that when we became angry we have to immediately make-out, then if we're still mad we could fight. Well it turns out this method has worked pretty great for us. It probably sounds completely ridiculous or ew, mom-and-dad-making-out to some of you, but tough cookies people! Do you want us to stay in love or not?? If one of us starts to get the angry, you'll hear from the other one in a really curious tone, paired with a clever, witty smile: "So, are you saying you're mad?" hinting at the obvious. The next thing you know, we both end up trying to suppress a smiles from creeping over our faces, and then eventually bust out laughing, along with a little pecking. 

Taking a time-out to make-out forces you to laugh, which makes being angry seem not as important. Even if you still are mad you are able to sanely and politely talk about what's bothering you like grown ups. It makes fixing problems fun instead of daunting. I'm realizing when I'm being completely irrational and unreasonable about something meaningless...most of the time I'm not even mad at Evan but it somehow always gets directed towards something boringly stupid he did (or didn't do). I put myself in time out and don't let myself take my frustrations out on my innocent husband. I can honestly say we haven't fought once since he's been home from training! So, maybe some of you might need to take a time-out to make-out. I'm never mad when I have too!

Husbands are distracting

Hence why I've been absent, like, all of last week. Evan finally arrived home from Louisiana from training before he deploys! Thursday night I showered and got all prettied up to pick him up at 11 o'clock at night. Only in the military world do you do this kind of junk. Friday I made sure I had one of his favorite meals ready: cheeseburger pizza. Ultra healthy, I know. This time I had a new pizza dough to try.

Please try this pizza dough recipe! I'm begging you! For the last year and a half or so, I've tried dozens of different pizza dough recipes. Most of them claiming to be "amazing." But, I couldn't find one that made the bubbly, chewy crust that also has texture and crisp. Some have been easy, others a little trickier, but this one is by far the easiest and tastiest dough I've ever had. It seriously rivals most pizzeria's that I know. Which is saying something if I can make it and it turns out phenomenal!  

Basically you mix water, flour, salt, and yeast together and let it sit for 18 hours. Its seriously that easy. I found it in the bon appetite magazine I get in the mail. You can find it online here.

 Over our long weekend (I was off for spring break!) we ate a ton of food, watched movies, and sat on our bums together all weekend; it was awesome. We were just happy to see each other and talk. One thing we decided this weekend, was that Harrisonburg, VA would be an awesome place to retire and buy a farm. (We have never been there...but whose to say it wouldn't be awesome!) 4 hours from the beach, 4 hours from Washington D.C., and 4 hours away from family. It's kind of perfect. The countryside is gorgeous, and it has such a large historical background that makes it even better! (Think Williamsburg, Richmond, and D.C.) The link is for a somewhat negative review of the place, but honestly for us all the negatives are the main positives in our eyes! We're just dreaming here; I'm crossing my fingers for someday.

Not all of us are happy Evan is home though.

When Evan arrived home from Louisiana Scout was pumped...at first. Well, that is, after he woke up and realized what was going on. Now, he's decided that Evan being home isn't so great. He might have a tad bit of jealousy in his bones. Whenever we came home yesterday from the range he was thrilled to see me, then Evan walked through the door after parking the car. He immediately stopped looked at Evan, and then looked at me disgusted. Everytime Evan tries to sit on the couch beside me Scout:

 a) decides he has to pee, so one of us has to get up
b) barks and cries at Evan until he moves, or
c) tries to smash his body on the couch between us

He's such a mama's boy.

One more thing. Evan's birthday is this Saturday and I have 0 ideas of what to do. Any suggestions?

The little things that I love about Mr. Slee:

He always wears a watch

He drinks too much coffee
He never swears: ever

He is literately prepared at all times for any situation possible

He can make the perfect cup of tea, just like I like it

He acts so serious and guarded

But

He is knee slapping sarcastic/funny and one of the easiest people to talk too

He pays the bills and balances the checkbook

We sing Taylor Swift songs together. In the car. With passion.

He loves manly things: guns, hunting, camo, push-ups, etc.

He has no interest in football or video games

He doesn't care about what others think about him

He graduated Summa-Cum-Laude 

How he has a habit of twisting the rabbit ears of his shoe laces when hes done tying them. It's cute ok?

He hates spending money

He keeps both of our cars spotless

He loves pretzels, peanuts, pop-tarts, and popcorn

He always writes me letters over e-mails when we're apart

He has, and will always have, short hair

He will buy anything from anyone door to door, he just can't say no

He knows a lot about tea...which is funny because he doesn't really drink it

He is one of the hardest working people I know

He has a whole library on leadership and theology books

He hates large crowds of people

He wears his glasses smashed between his eyes

He puts extra pepper on everything

He doesn't have wisdom teeth...seriously, how lucky is he?

He loves his job

He can cook better than I can

He likes the AC vent in the car blowing on #3...never #4

He has to know the kitchen is clean before bed or he can't sleep

He is better at picking out jewelry

He never avoids conflict 

He believes the first day of Buck Season should be a national holiday

He doesn't like to swim or ski

He knows everything about anything

He buys me food instead of flowers

He is always bouncing one of his legs while hes sitting

He is annoyingly smart, and aces any test without having to study

He has been to Australia, New Zealand, Thailand, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Mexico, Germany, Ireland,       Afghanistan, and would hop on a plane anywhere in a minute without thinking   

So I might be missing him a little bit, I'll admit it.