I'm Single & Married

Besides being able to drink out of the milk carton without fear, they'res a myriad of other things that one can do when one's husband is deployed. Like...eating sandwiches for every meal of the day, having a laundry pile in every room, or not wearing pants (so I might do this when he's home...).

^^^

Ok, I typed that spiel first and then found this video...I seriously couldn't stop laughing, its so sad but true! 

"Things that seem normal when you live alone"

So I'm married, but still living the semi-single life. I live alone, cook for one, and have all the responsibilities of taking care of house stuff by myself. I have girls nights, decorate the house without fear of manly disapproval over ruffles or glitter, and most importantly I am responsible for eating the whole batch of brownies by myself (rough life). Its a weird limbo to be in when your husband is deployed. You have to be independent, but still mentally work as though you are on a team. Its so easy to become negative whenever your husband is gone, and many people wouldn't fault you on that, but just today I've realized a lot of positive things about being on vacation from my husband. When I say "vacation" sometimes it can seem like being at the beach, but getting attacked by seagulls the whole time you're there. (Insert live-alone British accent) I say there, you're being quite negative aren't you! Fear not love, your darling will return soon!

I apologize for that. Moving on...

1. First off I'm becoming a better person for my husband. We all have our bad habits, and when we get married these bad habits usually come to the surface pretty quickly, not to mention they can get ugly fast. Little things like not putting the toilet seat down, leaving your finger clippings on the coffee table, or just being plain messy can make it hard to live with someone. For all you neat, organized people out there, sometimes us messy people just don't want to hear you yack in our ear about doing things your way. As you all know, I'm one of those messy people that's constantly doesn't always, keep things tidy consistently. A good thing about my husband being gone? I can work on getting better without constantly feeling like a failure. Evan knows what I suck at, and he knows I suck at keeping dishes out of the sink. If I let a pile stack up he will do them without a single complaint, just because he knows I need help in this department, and because he loves me. If Evan was here, I know every time he saw the sink full of dishes it would bug him, and I would beat myself up for not just putting them in the dishwasher. I hate it that I'm messy. I hate it that I can't seem to get my clothes put away. These seemingly simple tasks just don't work out naturally for me, and it really bothers me (and Evan). Surprisingly I'm slowly getting better. I'm consciously striving to pick up as I go around the house. With Evan not here, he doesn't have to put up with the 6 months of me trying to get it right! By the time he gets home I'll have mastered it, without a single clean-up-your-crap argument! Its a beautiful thing.

2. We all know the saying "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Its a total cliche, but until you've been apart from your sweetie, you really don't know how true this is. Every minute we are apart makes me appreciate the time when we are together. Military life is a constant wake up call to not take time together for granted. I think more American families could use a dose of this. On a daily basis I am reminded how blessed I am to be an American, and thank God for everyday that Evan and I do have together.

3. I have a lot more "me" time. Getting married means much of your focus goes toward your spouse. Its not a bag thing, I'm just being a realist here. All you married people knew what you were getting yourself into! When you live together its hard to get away from each other. I mean that is the best way possible of course.When you live in the same house, you both are always gravitating to wherever the other one is, even if you don't realize it. You check in on each other just to see what the other one is doing. If I've been in the bathroom longer than normal, 9 times out of 10 I'll see the door creek open and Evan ask what I'm doing. Plucking my brows to perfection, duh! If Evans been upstairs in his office, I'll go up and sit on the couch just because. Having all this time to myself I've done a few things just for me. Making time for a 1 hour workout a day, watching Sister Wives without hearing a single complaint, and traveling around to spend one on one girl time with my old friends are just a few of the me things I am free to do. For example, I got to visit my best friends Krysti and Katie for a whole week this summer, and spent 2 months with my family in Pennsylvania. I would have never had the opportunity to do that if Evan had been home because I would have been busy being a wife! 

If I could snap my fingers and teleport Evan here, I would do it in a heartbeat; Unfortunately I can't. But what I can do is appreciate all of the good things that comes with deployments, then find a way to suck it up and deal with the bad things. I think deployments are a lot like having a baby. For 9 months (or more) you worry, ache, and generally feel uncomfortable. At the same time you feel proud, forming and protecting something that truly matters. Then, you go through hours of pain, labor, and maybe even death. Once the baby is born however, none of the other awful stuff matters. That's exactly what deployments are like. You are proud of your husband for protecting our freedoms, but us wives worry our butts off, we hate having our men away. But, the minutes their boots touch home and we get to grab them, that crazy moment is worth all the late Skype calls, packing care boxes, and waking up with a heart attack because you are absolutely sure there is someone in the house. Oh these husbands...what we do for them!

A Small Moment

Yesterday I gathered up a pile of clothes to do a few loads of laundry. I mindlessly grabbed socks, underwear, shorts, and shirts that I had aimlessly left disgaurded on the bathroom and bedroom floor. Each piece was quickly plucked into the hamper as I made my way around the room, like making my way through a maze. To my satisfaction the maze of work clothes, jeans, and PJ's slowly evaporated. I rounded the corner of our bed continuing my cleaning fury, unaware of what I was about to face. 

A crumpled white t-shirt found its way to my hands. In my mind I knew it was just an undershirt, but in my hands it felt sad and heavy. I froze, holding it steadily. Slowly I lifted it to my nose and breathed in deeply. It still smelled like him. It made me feel overwhelmingly comforted but somber all at the same time. I was fixed in the middle of my room holding a plain white t-shirt, just staring at it deciding what to do. 

"Do I wash it?"

 "No, I can't do that, it won't smell like him anymore."

"Its eventually not going to smell like him, so why wait for it to gradually fade away?"

"Because, if I wash this I might not remember what he smells like."

"What if its the last thing I ever smell of his?"

"Meredith you can't think like that."

"I know, I know."

"I should probably wash it and get it over with."

"Ugh fine."

I stood holding the shirt over the washer feeling uncertain. The water plunged into the soap accumulating a bed of bubbles that was quickly rising, hungry to wash away any essence of Evan that was left. A prick of annoyance pressed past the pensive mood.

"What am I doing standing here gawking at a stupid shirt?"
"Its not stupid."
"Yes it is, why am I letting the stupid Army make me feel this way?"
"You just want remember him."
"It's ridiculous, I'm not playing this game. I'm just going to wash it."

I tossed the shirt in and slammed the lid shut.

I get upset at myself when I let these kind of things get to me. Only in this world does laundry become an exorbitant, emotional endeavor. Something as simple as a white undershirt can stop me dead in my tracks, petrified like a hunted wild animal...its flustering sometimes. It takes me right back to the moment when we first moved in together. Proud that I, his wife, got to wash them, fold them, and put them away in the perfect part of his dresser with care. The moment where we were getting ready for a date together. I loved watching him shave and get ready; he looked so handsome in his plain white t-shirt. How many times have I hugged that t-shirt and its hugged back, warm and intoxicating. Now its a cold and formless. I miss the person inside that shirt. Tender moments like this painfully come to life when hes away. It makes me feel happy, sad, angry, and rattled all at the same time. I don't always know how to deal with it, but I know I can't keep him here by not washing his things. Instead of holding on to a shirt that he once wore, I need to wash it, make it smell good and clean, fold it crisply, and tuck it away in his dresser. When the day arrives that he comes home, which will be soon, I'll watch him open his dresser, reach in and put on his familiar white t-shirt.

A few weeks after he gets back I'll probably be grumbling at him for not putting his shirt in the laundry!      

- Large dramatic exhale -

This is my last full week of work before I'm off for summer break. I can't believe its the end of the year already, but I'm more than excited to get out of this building for a few months. I now know why they give teachers off for the summer: children would die. This break is necessary to save lives. I wish I was joking. All those teachers you see in the news for hitting their students and thought were crazy? Well I beg to differ my friends. They were totally legit and completely justified. Ok I'm just joking, you should never hit a student, yada yada yada...unless they deserve it. Sarcasm is a real friend this week. I'll be headed home for awhile to visit with my family and then come back here to finish out my summer until school starts. So many things are going on in the next month its kind of unreal. I'm excited for it all! 

This past weekend was a lot of fun. Saturday my friend Kaylee, another Army wife, came up from Nashville to visit. We spent the day thrifting, (my awesome finds will be on here soon) then went to dinner and a movie. We saw The Five Year Engagement. I'm still tying to figure out how in the world the movie got a 63% on Rotten Tomatoes, because I thought it was super strange. Maybe I just didn't understand the type of humor in it. The whole time Kaylee and I just kept laughing awkwardly with confused looks on our faces, not being totally sure if something was funny, unexpected, or serious. Plus, I hate movies where it takes years for the characters to realize they are perfect for each other. Just friggin get married.

 I am really proud of myself; I've been keeping everything pretty tidy at my house. Now I know this might sound trivial to some, but for me this is like keeping Gollum from his precious. Please don't picture me as a main star in an episode of Hoarders. I'm clean; I'm not organized, but I'm slowly getting there. I've started with just focusing on the kitchen and living room area, then I can work up to my Kryptonite area...our bedroom. I have problems putting clothes away. This is all on top of puppy sitting I might add. Rudder, my friend's lab puppy, has been with Scout and I since Thursday. Lets just say I've got really good at cleaning carpets. He and Scout have had such a good time playing together though, its worth it. They are so cute when they play together, its entertaining enough in itself!

  

Evan will officially have Skype this deployment! They were trying to figure out a way to wire internet to their bunker/living area to have it. They needed a spool of internet cable; it just took them awhile to find some. Lord knows how you come across that in Afghanistan. I didn't ask, I was simply happy they got it all set up. I'm beyond excited that we will be able to see each other! He also received his mailing address, so the boxes can officially start being sent. He needed baby wipes and hand sanitizer, so I got those things, and then some to send him. I'll try to remember to take pictures the next time I make up a box, so I can show everyone what I pack to send him. This time around I packed his mail, some magazines, his favorite snacks, and a few other things that are going to be a surprise! 

Every goodbye makes the next hello closer

The morning Evan had to leave was kind of surreal. The anticipation of him leaving was the real part that was bugging me. I hate him being away, but at the same time I knew the sooner we said "goodbye", the sooner we could just start this deployment thing and start counting down the days to "hello" again. We got all his packed bags in the car, and he gave Scout some loving to say bye.

We got to his unit meeting spot and did the usual standing around waiting, while the guys did the last minute packing up of things. I talked to a few other Army wives, who were about to embark on their very first deployment. We chatted about the usual things, but underneath I could see the worry, sadness, and dread of saying goodbye in their eyes. I absolutely hate that. I wish I could somehow know the exact thing to say or do to make it easier...but really is there anything you can say to comfort someone when their husband is deploying? They are all so brave and strong. I wanted to grab them all in a bear hug, let him bawl their eyes out, and scream about how horrible and stupid this all is. But we couldn't. We had to be strong for our guys. They don't want to leave either, so why make it harder on them? That's just what Army Wives do. They push smiles through tears, act steadily confident through shaking uncertainty, and do anything that their duty requires them to do. I've never been prouder to know these amazing women who stand behind their husbands through anything; its such a stirring feeling of honor to see.

This time I didn't have that hysterical feeling tightening around my chest like I did the last time I had to ship him off. Its a feeling of overwhelming sadness, worry, and panic crushing you all at the same time; add a dash of wanting to hurl your guts up and that's about the exact feeling of you'll have. Fun, right? I'll admit it was probably one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced in my life. The first deployment when I told him goodbye, I immediately ran to my car and cried until I was completely broken. I am happy to say that this time around, those feelings didn't happen. I think Evan and I both felt unnaturally peaceful and a little detached about it all. We knew what to expect, and how to deal with it. The time came where they had to board the bus to the plane. I gave Evan one last hug and kiss goodbye. I made sure to tell him to "Be safe" like I always do. He responded how to normally does, by telling me that "Be safe" doesn't control the situation, if something is going to happen, it's going to happen. Typical Evan, always blatantly honest. I told him to shut-up and that I just needed to say it. That made us laugh. He heaved his pack on and made his way towards the bus. Halfway to the bus and he turned and told me "I love you; see you soon buddy." With a wave and a step on to the bus he was gone. I slowly walked to my car, wishing I felt more. I felt guilty not feeling more perturbed about it all. I guess maybe its a good thing; this time I have a clearer mind to help the girls out.

The guys are in Afghanistan taking care of each other, while we do the same thing on the home front here. In situations like this, you quickly become like close family to people, who just a few months before, were complete strangers. The military really is a world of its own. In its own strange way, maybe that's why some of us stick around so long, even when there are so many things that undoubtedly suck about it. If you're in the military the moment you meet another Army wife, you can already relate to them on some level, because we already know exactly how each other feels without saying a word. "There is a special bond between soldiers created by the harsh realities of their service; a bond which is incomprehensible to the civilian world.  Like their men—Army wives have a bond all their own. (via)" 

WeekEND

Sorry for the absence, I've been trying to find creative ways to breathe out of my face. 

I've found that hot Whiskey combined with Mucinex is a top contender to accomplish this. Unfortunately, I haven't had as much as a sniffle all year, and now the one weekend Evan shipped off I've been dying a slow painful sinus death. Hopefully, I will be back tomorrow with details! (Not of my cold silly, of Evan deploying!)

Control Freak

Yesterday I was a hot mess. 

I went from feeling like the deployment wasn't anywhere immanent, to a flow blown smack in the face. It was like an atomic bomb hit without warning, and I totally panicked. I just reacted how I normally do in these situations: angry. I was angry at the Chick-fil-a kid who took our order wrong. I was angry at a mom teaching her toddler "chick-en...chick-en" over and over again while we ate. I was angry that there was traffic. I was angry that Tractor Supply didn't have live baby peeps for me to see. I was angry when Evan told me "I love you." I was angry that other people were -in general- alive and in my line of vision. 

I was really pleasant to be around. 

After I apologized for being crazy, and thanked Evan for not divorcing me, I had to take a minute and just sit with the reality of the situation. Its happening and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. You feel out of control and helpless, because lets be honest, we're humans, and humans love being in control. Being in control means sanity, safety, and stability. With a deployment no one is in control. You can try to do things to make yourself think you're sane, safe, and stable, but until you come with the truth, you are just lying to yourself. Yesterday when we got home, Evan and I watched a Band of Brothers to specifically find this dialogue. It went along with exactly what we need to do when letting go of control and facing our fears.

BLITHE
When I landed on D-day, lieutenant, I found myself in a ditch all by myself and I... fell asleep. I think it was those airsickness pills they gave us.

SPEIRS
Uh huh.

BLITHE
But when I woke up, I didn't really... try to find my unit. To fight. I just kind of... stayed put.

SPEIRS
You know why you stayed in that ditch, Blithe?

BLITHE
I was scared, sir.

SPEIRS
We're all scared. It's because you still have hope.

BLITHE
You don't, sir?

SPEIRS
Here's the way I see it. There's only one way for me to fight this war, and that's to accept the fact... that I'm already dead.

Sometimes I get disappointed with myself when I act so angry, to feel in control for no reason. In the moment I feel justified, anyone that crosses me is going to have to deal with it, without the polite, socially aware part of my brain turned on. I'm in control if I'm angry; I won't cry, because crying means I'm weak. Crying means I've lost the game; its beat me. If I'm angry that the Army is sending Evan to war, it means I don't feel responsible or a part of the choice we made as couple to serve in the military. It doesn't really matter what you do: clean your house obsessively, buy clothes, party, drink, have a new boyfriend every week, or fill every moment of your day with something to do, the facts are still there: You aren't in control, there isn't anything you can do to change it. It hurts to face the truth. It isn't any fun, that's why most of us would rather avoid it than face it. Letting go of control means we will see all of the things we absolutely suck at, we will see how weak we are, and will have to deal with the very things we avoid like the plague. 

Lt. Speirs knew that to be a good soldier, you had to let go.When you come to terms with that fact that you're already dead, the threads that hold you back and muddle your mind, will be cut loose. Good soldiers are already dead. As wives, when you accept the fact that your husband might not come home, as awful as it sounds, makes it easier. It gives you peace that God won't ever give you more than you can handle. For me, it makes the stress and worry of deployment a lot lighter. I still worry, but I give myself a line that I can't cross in my mind. This is the line of healthy devotion and delusive hysteria. Worrying over that certain amount won't do anything except add wrinkles to my pretty face and shorten my life. I'm not going to be caught frozen scared, wallowing in my hole of worry and sorrow. I've come to terms with the fact that my husband is already dead. Is it scary? It's terrifying. As I sit here, I'm forcing myself to let it all go and be completely OK with realizing I'm not in control. 

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock

The big D-day is this weekend.

I was a bad Army wife already (no surprise there) and announced "the day" on Facebook, only to get reprimanded that we're not supposed to post dates. I felt like a little kid in trouble at school for not following "the code" that all Army wives are supposed to know. Its like getting detention in high school for not paying attention all over again. Whatever, if we're being honest with ourselves, the Army will probably change it another 4 times until then. And I know I'm totally right on the that one! 

Not to sound like a broken record here, but it doesn't really feel like its deployment time again. I better warm up to the idea pretty quickly, seeing as its happening like - this week. I'm also sorry that this week is like military week on the blog, but hey this whats going on around these parts. Believe me, I wish I could be writing about something completely different. Yesterday we sat around wondering what we should do all day. Story of our lives. We ended up just hanging out and talking, while I snapped pictures.

 ^^^
Loves being my model

After Evan became tried of being my model, we went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things Evan needed before he leaves. I needed a few things for our Thanksgiving dinner we're having tomorrow. I figured since he wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving we needed to celebrate it now. Plus, who wouldn't want an excuse to have some delicious food before he leaves! I'm feeling a little blue at the thought of Evan leaving, but on the other hand, the sooner we get goodbye over with, the sooner we get to say hello again.

I'm personally ready for the hello already.

Sacrifices

Ask almost any proud American if our military makes sacrifices, and they will readily agree with you along with a "Bring our troops home, with a God Bless America" to boot. Let me preface what I'm about to say by stating this isn't a pity party or to make you feel guilty, I'm just being real here. Also I'm not trying to scare the poop out of those who are in the military, thinking about joining, or getting ready to deploy. There are so many positives that outweigh the negatives, its just a very unique job environment. The top 3 ways most civilians think soldiers make sacrifices would be: 

1. Soldiers are away from their families. - Even when soldiers aren't deployed they are away from their families a lot. Evan normally works a 10 hour day, sometimes its longer. On top of these long days, when they aren't deployed they are in schools and training which often take them away from home. The Army trumps family a lot.

2. Soldiers are in 3rd world countries fighting for our freedom. - Would you just love to vacation in the dirtiest, hottest, coldest, and most foreign place on earth where everyone is trying to kill you? I'm betting the answer is no. Well this is where they go. During the day it easily reaches 100 + degrees and then drops below freezing at night; try camping in those conditions. During the day (100+ degrees remember) they wear full gear on patrol, which easily weighs 80-100 pounds. There isn't a bus, they walk. Walking itself is dangerous. IEDs are a major problem, and probably cause the majority of deaths. One bad step and you're legless, or worse, dead. You don't have any personal space or privacy. Evan had an average of 1 (cold) shower a month last deployment. You get to eat the exact same meal of jello eggs for breakfast, an MRE for lunch, and some form of "steaks" for dinner, everyday for a year. Some vacation huh?

3. Soldiers don't make much money. - So we're not millionaires, but we aren't doing half bad compared to most people our age. I'm so proud of us that we live below our income, and are paying off debt like its nobody's business! I guess in retrospect to what these guys go through the pay isn't exactly awesome, but Evan doesn't do his job because of the big bucks. To sound totally cliche, he does it because of what it means to be an American solider.

All of the above are true, but in my mind these aren't necessarily the important ones. Every person that chooses to join the military knows all of those sacrifices before they sign on the dotted line. There are other sacrifices that most of the population don't realize. Heck I didn't even realize these things myself until after a full 1 1/2 years in the Army. The mental burden of being a soldier, as I see it, is the ultimate sacrifice.

I'm no psychologist, but I know soldiers are impacted forever in war. I was a history major, I've studied the stories without a cushie layer to soften the blow. I fully understand the reality of war. Evan and I were watching a documentary on the Korean War last week. As I sat on the couch, I watched with a weak heart as strong, tough vets were trying their hardest to not break down while being interviewed. They can tell their story, but no one else, except fellow soldiers understand what its like. Most of them admitted they hadn't told anyone the stories they were telling in their interviews. It was breaking my heart to watch these guys relive the absolute horror of war. My mind kept racing with a million devastating thoughts. I can't imagine using my (dead) best friend as a sand bag. I can't imagine coming face to face with another living person and then killing them. I can't imagine looking down realizing my legs have been blown off my body. I can't imagine seeing my friends slowly die of horrible, painful wounds. I can't imagine...Then I realized I had a person, my husband sitting beside me, who might have gone through these very unimaginable things. A veil of anguish and inadequacy fell over me.

You see, Evan doesn't talk about Afghanistan. He talks about what his job was there, the funny things - like huge rooms full of weed, but its just surface things. Hes not being fake or trying to hide anything, hes just not comfortable with talking about it, even to me. I don't ask because there are some things that are OK left unspoken. I don't expect him to want to talk with me about it. The only people who know what he went through are his guys. They already know without speaking. Those guys will always have an steadfast bond because of the life-changing experiences that they have gone through together. I know not a day goes by that he doesn't think about the guys that didn't come home. Why can five guys step over an IED, but the sixth set it off? The question of "Why did I survive?" is a constant pain of guilt and torment for any soldier of war. Not only are these men willing to die for their country, but they are willing to take on a silent, struggle daily that none of us can imagine, only to sleep with dreams full of nightmares. Questions that can never be answered and moments that can never be erased from their eyes, minds, and hearts.

Evan and thousands of others will forever live with the mental battle of being a soldier. The battle of living with the impact of war, the things they saw, did, and didn't do. It is so our children will never have to see war. So our babies will never have to wear 80+ pounds of gear through the desert, praying they don't step on an IED. That sacrifice is one that Evan is willing to carry. Hes carrying it for me, for you, and for the future generation of people. So the next time you want to thank a soldier for their sacrifices, know it isn't just being away from their families, being deployed, or not getting paid enough. I hope this gives you a little insight to truly know what the real sacrifices our soldiers make everyday. 

It's so easy to fall in love

I've mentioned Lisa a few times, so I figured it was time we put a face to the name.

Lisa is a fellow Army wife, and her husband Korey works with Evan. They are deploying together in a few weeks, which leaves Lisa and I together to make dinner, have puppy play dates, and shop until we drop. (We both have a weakness for clothes...we apologize to our husband's bank accounts ahead of time) She is super sweet, funny, and the girl knows what she wants. I feel like I've known Lisa and Korey since college, when in reality its been maybe 4 months. They are so down to earth, they make everyone around them feel like old friends. Even more importantly, they really love each other. In a strange way their relationship functions creepily similar to Evan and I's. This summer they will be married a year! We decided we should take some pictures before the guys leave, if I do say so myself, Korey and Lisa rocked it!

(Please click on the pictures to view them, they look 10x better that way)

Korey and Lisa made Evan and I dinner last night after we took pictures. All I can say is Korey is a grill master, because he made me the best burger I've had in a very long time. I'm all ready dreading saying goodbye from these guys!

Brain Fart

This week has been pretty uneventful thus far. I got a few project done, and I have the whole house clean for once, including laundry! Its been pretty quiet since its just Scout and I. Evan should be getting home early this afternoon today. I'm so excited for him to get home, but it also means we're down to weeks until he leaves for Afghanistan. This time around it doesn't really feel like hes leaving anytime soon. 

Also, I've had a hard time blogging this whole week.
I have a thousand things to talk about (as usual) but none of it is coming out right.
Everything I try to write ends up frazzled with all my thoughts running together. This means I have 24 drafts, but none of them are anywhere close to making any sense. Brain farts are the worst. 

Husbands are distracting

Hence why I've been absent, like, all of last week. Evan finally arrived home from Louisiana from training before he deploys! Thursday night I showered and got all prettied up to pick him up at 11 o'clock at night. Only in the military world do you do this kind of junk. Friday I made sure I had one of his favorite meals ready: cheeseburger pizza. Ultra healthy, I know. This time I had a new pizza dough to try.

Please try this pizza dough recipe! I'm begging you! For the last year and a half or so, I've tried dozens of different pizza dough recipes. Most of them claiming to be "amazing." But, I couldn't find one that made the bubbly, chewy crust that also has texture and crisp. Some have been easy, others a little trickier, but this one is by far the easiest and tastiest dough I've ever had. It seriously rivals most pizzeria's that I know. Which is saying something if I can make it and it turns out phenomenal!  

Basically you mix water, flour, salt, and yeast together and let it sit for 18 hours. Its seriously that easy. I found it in the bon appetite magazine I get in the mail. You can find it online here.

 Over our long weekend (I was off for spring break!) we ate a ton of food, watched movies, and sat on our bums together all weekend; it was awesome. We were just happy to see each other and talk. One thing we decided this weekend, was that Harrisonburg, VA would be an awesome place to retire and buy a farm. (We have never been there...but whose to say it wouldn't be awesome!) 4 hours from the beach, 4 hours from Washington D.C., and 4 hours away from family. It's kind of perfect. The countryside is gorgeous, and it has such a large historical background that makes it even better! (Think Williamsburg, Richmond, and D.C.) The link is for a somewhat negative review of the place, but honestly for us all the negatives are the main positives in our eyes! We're just dreaming here; I'm crossing my fingers for someday.

Not all of us are happy Evan is home though.

When Evan arrived home from Louisiana Scout was pumped...at first. Well, that is, after he woke up and realized what was going on. Now, he's decided that Evan being home isn't so great. He might have a tad bit of jealousy in his bones. Whenever we came home yesterday from the range he was thrilled to see me, then Evan walked through the door after parking the car. He immediately stopped looked at Evan, and then looked at me disgusted. Everytime Evan tries to sit on the couch beside me Scout:

 a) decides he has to pee, so one of us has to get up
b) barks and cries at Evan until he moves, or
c) tries to smash his body on the couch between us

He's such a mama's boy.

One more thing. Evan's birthday is this Saturday and I have 0 ideas of what to do. Any suggestions?

On my mind

via

Must. Have. Tan-lines. Soon.

via

These. Shoes.

via

Fresh air. Horses. Farm. Simple Living.

via

Liberty. Freedom. Failing.

Summer. Haircut. Asap.

Deployment. Marriage. Future.

via

Cross Cultural. Fail. Trip anyone?

Why? Why? Why?

The little things that I love about Mr. Slee:

He always wears a watch

He drinks too much coffee
He never swears: ever

He is literately prepared at all times for any situation possible

He can make the perfect cup of tea, just like I like it

He acts so serious and guarded

But

He is knee slapping sarcastic/funny and one of the easiest people to talk too

He pays the bills and balances the checkbook

We sing Taylor Swift songs together. In the car. With passion.

He loves manly things: guns, hunting, camo, push-ups, etc.

He has no interest in football or video games

He doesn't care about what others think about him

He graduated Summa-Cum-Laude 

How he has a habit of twisting the rabbit ears of his shoe laces when hes done tying them. It's cute ok?

He hates spending money

He keeps both of our cars spotless

He loves pretzels, peanuts, pop-tarts, and popcorn

He always writes me letters over e-mails when we're apart

He has, and will always have, short hair

He will buy anything from anyone door to door, he just can't say no

He knows a lot about tea...which is funny because he doesn't really drink it

He is one of the hardest working people I know

He has a whole library on leadership and theology books

He hates large crowds of people

He wears his glasses smashed between his eyes

He puts extra pepper on everything

He doesn't have wisdom teeth...seriously, how lucky is he?

He loves his job

He can cook better than I can

He likes the AC vent in the car blowing on #3...never #4

He has to know the kitchen is clean before bed or he can't sleep

He is better at picking out jewelry

He never avoids conflict 

He believes the first day of Buck Season should be a national holiday

He doesn't like to swim or ski

He knows everything about anything

He buys me food instead of flowers

He is always bouncing one of his legs while hes sitting

He is annoyingly smart, and aces any test without having to study

He has been to Australia, New Zealand, Thailand, Guatemala, Nicaragua, Mexico, Germany, Ireland,       Afghanistan, and would hop on a plane anywhere in a minute without thinking   

So I might be missing him a little bit, I'll admit it. 

To be right where you are.

Evan left for 3 weeks a couple of days ago to do deployment training in Louisiana. I thought it was a bummer, but I figured it wouldn't be that long, and it's not like we haven't done this before, yada yada yada; no big deal. Wrong. Last night I got home from work and my house was so quiet. This fact alone was kinda funny, because Evan doesn't really talk or is a loud person in the first place. I couldn't understand exactly why it seemed so deafening. I walked in and it was my same tan couch, the same drinking glasses neatly stacked in the cupboard, and the same familiar pictures staring at me, but it was...different. Just knowing Evan is home, even if he is upstairs in his office or outside washing the cars, is what makes our house peaceful. I didn't cry or have a meltdown, I just didn't realize how empty this house feels without him here. 

So now the ticking clock in the back of my mind is getting a little louder, and sounding a little more urgent. But rightly so, because we're down to 2 months until he leaves. This deployment I feel a lot more confident and calm. I feel like I kinda know what to expect (the worst). I'm expecting to worry, to feel a little helpless, and to not get a phone call everyday, and then worry more about that. As weird as that sounds, knowing that I'll feel all those things ahead of time makes it easier to deal with it all emotionally.

This time around I think it might be even a little harder in one way. Last deployment was challenging for the simple fact it was our first go of it. We had only been married a month when Evan left, and everything was new. We weren't exactly sure how the whole shindig worked. Before we were married we were use to being apart. We had never lived together, and when we did (for a month) it just kinda felt like we were being rebels. I guess I really didn't feel married. We lived in a furnished apartment and lived out of suitcases. When he left, I felt like we always had, in love, but apart. Now that's all changed. My life is completely different now that I've been married, and we've been husband and wife together for a year. Now we have our furniture, our dishes, our zip-lock bags, our underwear drawers. Our dog, our routine, our life. Stupid little stuff like that makes it different than last time. Coming home and crawling in bed alone doesn't feel right at all anymore. 

- Time out. New obsessed song. - 

My family wants me to move home while hes gone. As tempting that might sound, I think going home would be avoiding being alone in our house. Plus the last thing I would want to do is lose my baller job right now. Since jobs in general are hard to come by right now. Plus I have a feeling some of the other girls around here might need me. It's their first deployment and I know they are super nervous. They don't say they are, but I can tell. This time around I'll be more alone and have a lot more time on my hands. No best friends, no family, just Scout and I. 

But!

Don't worry, I have a plan.

I'm a weakling. I know I'm not anywhere near as strong as I use to be. Now that I've lost the weight that I didn't want, I need to tone it up. Working out is going to be a new priority! I'm not sure what my actual plan is yet, but I know I'll still walk Scout everyday. Then start Hip Hop Abs, and maybe P90X when I wouldn't die from a heart attack.

Organize. I Meredith, solemnly swear to clean my house everyday, and not let it look like a pigsty. 

Volunteer somewhere. I'm not sure of where yet, but I've looked into a few different places around me. There is a Manna Cafe which serves meals to the homeless that looks pretty awesome. Another organization hires students to work on an organic farm, I can't remember their name, but it looked pretty sweet too.   

Yesterday

Yesterday was glorious. 

I had off due to Election Day. That meant sleeping in, cleaning, and relaxing. It was a good-feeling kind of day. Having a random sunny day off just made it that much better. Another good thing about yesterday is I cleaned my bathroom. This means my entire house is clean all at the same time. This might the first time this has ever happened in the history of me being a wife. I thought about going shopping to try to find a few things for my spare room, but I made the wiser choice of taking a nap. Hey, cleaning a bathroom is hard work!

House: 649 Meredith: 1

 I took my duvet cover off to wash it. It doesn't look as pretty, but duvet cover or not, I love my bedroom.

 Proof of my clean bathroom!
I can't promise it will last, but I'm trying really hard for Evan's sake. I will say, having a clean bathroom is one of the best feelings ever. I have to try not to get mad at Evan when he comes home and takes a shower, because that means it's technically dirty again. (Please notice the reflection of my make-up brushes on the counter top...impressive I know.)

My view from the couch, as I was sitting on my bum watching Nanny 9-1-1.
Anytime I get the idea that a baby is cute I watch a few episodes of it. (I may or may not have thought a baby was cute. I thought about stabbing my eyes out for a millisecond.) That show will scare anyone into not having children. Horror, absolute horror.

 When Evan gets home the first thing he does before he dirties my clean shower, and after hes mauled greeted by Scout, is make a cup of coffee and gives me a coffee kiss.

 Just us.

Scout was extra cute yesterday, he's loving this new warm weather!

 Evan trying on his new socks for deployment. The stocking up has commenced!

Scout napping on his new dog bed we've appropriately named Lucy, since Scout thinks its his girlfriend. He's so weird.

After Evan got home from work, we hung out and drank coffee and tea. It was such a nice day we left the living room door open to get some fresh air in the house. Scout wasn't complaining on that decision. The TV buzzed creating background noise, but we were just happy sitting together on the couch. We didn't talk, we didn't make-out, we weren't even snuggling, but neither of us paid much attention to the TV either. The closer we get to deployment, the more we tend to do this. Just being happy being together.

 Later that evening, we had a big Army meeting to be briefed on the upcoming deployment. I personally thought it was stupid. Then again, that might be my opinion on most Army-related meetings. I tried to talk Evan into taking a bottle of vodka with us to make it more bearable, but he gave me stop-being-ridiculous look. Dad is such party pooper sometimes. We arrived and were told the meeting would last 45 minutes...I translated that into meaning 1 1/2 to 2 hours. By the end of the meeting (1 hr 45 minutes later I might add) the look on everyone's face told me they wish I had brought a bottle. Mostly it was wives scribbling notes vigorously of dates, telephone numbers, and pointless information all with worried looks on their faces. Too bad nobody told them all those details will change another 5 times. I didn't bother writing anything down. I guess I'm officially a hardened, and slightly bitter Army Wife.  

Voldemort

Spring is here. 

Spring daffodil's on our table

  This morning a grumbling thunderstorm woke me up. I crawled out of bed and grumbled along with it as I walked down the hall and into the living room to let Scout out. As I opened the door a wall of damp, sweet musty spring air floated around me into the house. It immediately changed my dark morning mood. I couldn't help but let a small smile slide over my lips, as though someone had left a sweet surprise on my doorstep. I felt a little lighter, refreshed, new, calm, and clean. On the way home from work this whole week, I've driven home in a blissful state by rolling my windows down. I picked daffodil's from my front yard to enjoy while eating dinner. After dinner on my walk with Scout, the neighborhood was buzzing for the first time. The sun was shining, the skies were blue. Kids were playing basketball and riding bikes, dads were tinkering in the garage, moms were screaming at their kids to not go so far; it was great! People were alive again! They weren't forced to stay holed up in front of the bland living room TV. The grey wash of winter has melted. Blinds of windows were pried open like rusty hinges. I saw a robin for the first time, and noticed small pale green buds dabbing each tree branch. Newborn weeds were starting to push through the cement cracks of the sidewalk. I've shrieked with excitement every evening when the sun seems to stretch out the day, by lingering just a few minutes longer. 

Spring intoxicates people like a good perfume. But seeing as I don't wear perfume, that might be a bad analogy for me to use properly. Spring intoxicates me like the smell of peeling back the sheets and climbing into a freshly made bed, or the smell of when you open a box of black tea for the first time, having a fully clean, and organized house, or Cascade. You always take a moment to inhale deeply and slowly. (Except with Cascade, promise!)

This year I want to have the spring bug. I want to become hopelessly hyper, listen to the birds chirp, and take my shoes off and walk in the cool, damp grass. It's become increasingly difficult to resist it's welcoming charm. I've tried to ignore spring this year and push it away. Because this year spring means nothing good to me.

Spring means pouring over detailed packing lists. Spring means begrudgingly spending money on unwanted boots, bags, knives, and gear. Spring brings training. Spring brings stress. Spring brings tears. Spring brings one less night together. Spring brings silent dinners and melancholy air. Spring brings the unknown. Spring brings worry. Spring brings a simmering panic. Spring means planning to not to plan. Spring means standing in a gravel parking lot alone. Spring brings duty. Spring brings war. Spring brings goodbyes.

 Each sweet songbird chirping sounds like a crow. Blooming trees are tinged with bitter flower buds. Even the soft breeze feels like it might be trying to knock me down. The good feeling of spring is being smothered by the grasp that tightens around my chest. Everyday it slowly clenches tighter and higher. This is how I feel about the "D word." It's like saying You-Know-Who's name out loud...Voldemort...Deployment...they both have the same ring to me, and general feelings of animosity, angst, and affliction.

As much as deployments suck, they don't last for forever. (Although it might seem like it sometimes) Honestly Evan and I are really good at the goodbye thing. Almost too good in my opinion. We love being together and work great together, but we aren't the kind of couple that need each other to function. This summer I'm so excited to be able to visit my family and friends all around the US. What other wife gets the opportunity to live the semi-single life again? I know this might sound like I'm being heartless, but I promise I miss him every single day that he is gone. AND I probably worry enough to poop a cow, but at some point you just have to realize its part of the job, it's going to happen. The day he steps off that plane to come home is unlike any other feeling I will ever experience. So why not just take the bad as bad, the good as great, and remember to be thankful for every single minute you have together while you can.

The D Word

From the looks of it Evan will be deploying again back to Afghanistan this spring.

Deployments are complicated.

 

 I've tried writing what I think about this about a thousand times now. All that ends up happening is my face looking like this:

 

Frazzled.

 

So, to de-frazzle myself and you (if you're frazzled) here are some complimentary photos to adorableness to melt your heart.