The past couple of days have been a little...emotional. Normally I'm not an emotional person, especially when it comes to moments of sadness, despair, or self-pity. Actually I hate crying, it's horrifyingly embarrassing to me. There is nothing good about it...runny noses, puffy eyes, snot, obnoxious noises, etc. Looking like I've had a bucket of water poured over my head after being stung by bees in my eyeballs is a look I try to stay away from; even watching someone else cry makes me cringe. Crying means it has beat me, and admitting that...well I tend not too. Ask any of my best friends and most of them can tell you they have never seen me cry, almost all of them.
Usually my go-to emotion is anger. It's bad I know.
For example, one day my best friend Katie and I were sitting down in the cafeteria to have some lunch. Across the way from us a girl was sitting by herself bawling her eyes out. My sweet friend, bless her heart, had the correct reaction of hoping she was ok. I on the other hand became completely enraged by this girl. WHY in the world would you sit in the middle of the cafeteria for all of campus mankind to watch you sit there and blow snot everywhere?!?! What is wrong with you? Aren't you embarrassed? Go to your room! Go hide in your CPO box! Go anywhere but here!
See? I told you it was bad.
I guess you could say I've been a little more of a softie this week.
I've been thinking about going to Grad. School in a half serious half what-am-I-thinking way, and my dad sent me a simple text about it that said: "Go for it, life's too short."
...and I almost starting crying at work! But really life is so short...
This past week Uncle Don has been gone 6 months. Sometimes it still really don't feel like hes gone yet. I think about Thanksgiving coming up and I get excited to see all of my family, but then I remember he won't be there this year, and then it doesn't seem so great anymore.
I miss him so much.
We always had a lot of fun together, I think it's because we had the same sarcastic sense of humor. Plus we both love good food, cooking shows, milkshakes, and a good piece of jewelry or two...so many good conversations and laughs. He could always make me laugh so hard my sides hurt. While I was away at school we stayed in touch through facebook messages. I go back and read them all the time, and now I'm so glad I have them.
"Remember there will be rough times but the happy and fun ones I wish outweigh them tenfold..... Now said that ... did you watch Top Chef tonight ..??"
"You suck at German because for some reason my father thinks we are German .... when in reality we are French ........ that might be your problem........"
"We can even sneak in some liquor and have nightcaps before going to bed .... LOL,...... Oh I love you my darling ... hope this finds everything well with you."
"Happy Labor Day !!!!! Hope all is going well ... miss hanging out with you now that your gone...... I know your busy but keep in touch with your Uncle Don remember I have cancer....... :) love YOU !!!!!"
Even when he was so sick he still had his sense of humor:
"Meredith ... promise I wont bother you on here... this is for young people but give me a break..... love this love that ... love... love.... love ... WHATEVER!!!!!! I need to go puke........ love you!!!!"
"I have faith in you ...... you keep you faith in me and I you and we will both be okay...."
"I am not dealing with it as well as I would like and to be honest with you am very scared ..... It will be okay ... I too have been doing alot of praying and although the answers are not clear am sure they are being heard and will be answered in time.... One funny story about that is the other night I was having a pity me moment late at night and I asked GOD to send Grandma Irwin to see me because she always takes such good care of me (even though everyone thinks I am crazy) .... well I finally fell asleep and in my dream I went to a place that Grandma Irwin was working and when I went inside she handed me this lunchbox and told me to take it and go eat it because she was too busy at the time to eat lunch .... so I guess that was god saying she too is busy at the moment but will get with me eventually."
He was so brave through all the chemo, radiation, and surgeries.
I hate it that hes gone, but I know hes in heaven with Grandma Irwin and having the time of his life. Before all this I really never had the want to be in heaven with Jesus. I mean life here is pretty good and there are still a lot of things I wanted to do...but now I really am ready to go anytime God wants me too. I know there is someone waiting for me.
I have so many reasons now to live life in such a different way than I did before. I may only have tomorrow; I feel that and I understand that. I know I will be sure to take advantage of everyday that I have because I do.