Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Doctors offices are the Gates of Mordor. Think about it, it's like paying someone to torture you. At check-in the nurse completely ignores your presence. You stand there and awkwardly clear your throat a little louder with each passing failed attempt. Oh she knows your there! Finally her head snaps up and with a bark she shoves a clipboard into your hands and tells you to fill it out. Next you wait for sometimes hours in the worst-decorated, least-imaginative rooms possible. People wheeze, sneeze, and cough all over you at will. Babies scream, hundreds of them. The TV is on, but most people read lips easily so they leave the volume off. Oh the agonizing wait!

The nurse opens the door, after what seems like days, and calls your name; which she butchers, no matter how simple it may be. For a brief moment you are a winner! All those other hopeless looking souls are forced to wait purgatory longer, but you, NO! You get to go behind the magic disappearing door! But as soon as you step through the door, the glorious feeling slowly seeps away as the darkness begins to engulf you.

You're taken to chemical smelling room and told to take your clothes off. That room is always blue booty-cheek freezing. So you awkwardly sit there with your hands tucked under your thighs, trying to not make the paper underneath you crinkle too much. As you wait, you sit there and worry: "Did I clean my ears good enough?" "Do I have to get a shot?" and the build up continues until the knock on the door jolts you into an unintentional, enthusiastic response "COME IN!!" ...oops, I'm not that excited. The doctor and nurse walk in, smirking, like they know something you don't. Perfect. My two favorite things: freezing my ass off while getting to hang out with strangers....naked.

 They do the usual weight, height, blood pressure, jump on one foot while you pat your head and rub your stomach routine. Then the fun part: shots. This is usually the part where I hyperventilate and try not to pass out; Or cry like a baby. After slapping on a band aid your pushed out the door with a bill as long as your arm, or as much as a new arm might cost. Once you get out to your car you realize you don't feel any better than when you walked in. If anything you feel germy, exhausted, and your wallet is significantly lighter.  Yet year after year we still go back for more. Can't we agree that we shouldn't return to Mordor Mr. Frodo?

Ok, ok so maybe my doctors visit wasn't that bad. But I did have to wait for forever, and they did have to take my blood pressure twice because I was so nervous. I had word vomit and I couldn't stop. I was on a rambling rampage. My palms were sweaty and my stomach felt like it was full of Pop Rocks. The nurse kept trying to calm me down by telling me that "We're nice people here, don't worry." Which kind of freaked me out even more. All in all I did make it out alive, without having to get any shots, thank-you Jesus.

No comments:

Post a Comment