Saturday, January 21, 2012

Tonight is a quiet one at the Slee home.
Scout is sleeping on my feet, as usual.
Evan is back in his baby/man reloading room tinkering around with his things.
Please notice how elegant the combination of baby boarder and the cold metal steel of a man bench nicely come together.

Rub some dirt in it.

This week has been a rough one.
This week has been the week of learning that I hopelessly suck at a lot of things.
Realizing that you can't always be the greatest, toughest, strongest, or smartest all the time is a hard pill to swallow. Especially when God decides that you need several doses in one week.
It's humbling.

It started off with a dream I had earlier this week.
Uncle Don and I were just hanging out, being our goofy selves. We decided at some point that it would be a great idea to break into a kid's indoor jungle gym and terrorize the kids. (This is all the better, since we really would do something like this in real life) After running around scaring the pants off 4 year olds, we collapsed to the ground from laughing so hard.

In that moment my dream was so incredibly real.

I can see Uncle Don's blue button up shirt. I could breathe the thick, sweaty air of the jungle gym. I could feel my side hurting from the unstoppable laughter. I can still see kids staring at us like we were half crazy.
...and then I woke up.
It was the most overpowering feeling of sadness that I think I've ever experienced. It's unexplainable.

 I keep forgetting that he isn't here. I guess my brain hasn't fully soaked it in yet. It feels like he must be on a long vacation, or that he had to work again over Christmas; He will make it next year. But all of that is a lie; He isn't coming. It was like getting the wind knocked out of me at random moments when it came to mind throughout this week. I guess because it felt so real...just made it hard to accept it wasn't.

Thursday was a hard day at work.
I won't go into much detail about it, but it's hard to know when to be firm, but also fair. Especially when working with special needs kids. Not to mention that I'm super self conscious when it comes to making sure that I'm being as fair as possible.
I'm always questioning myself on whether or not I did the absolute best I could in the situation at hand. I've been doing a lot of praying, and asking God for some much needed wisdom and patience.

I finally admitted to myself that I am awful, horribly awful, at keeping in touch with my old friends. The same cycle happens every time. I miss my friends so much, but I never want to "bother" them, so I don't call. When I don't call I feel guilty. The guilt makes me scared that they will be mad at me, and so I don't call. How stupid is that? Yeah, pretty stupid I know. Why do I always make myself learn things the hard way?

I'm making an effort to call, text, or skype one old friend a week from now on. Hold me to it!

Is a picture of Scout just because hes so darn cute.
and This,
Is a picture of Scout's lamb's (stuffing) brains. He was proud of it.
Bravo on making my house a fuzzball mess Scout. Bravo.

Being in the military is hard, but honestly I hate the pity card that some people play here. You knew what you were signing up for so don't cry about it. Military men, women, and their families are incredibly bless with great pay, benefits, and blah blah blah. Yes, they get deployed. Yes, it's hard. But for goodness sake my mother doesn't plaster her bumper with a collage of stickers solely dedicated to my dad's engineering job. You catch my drift right?

BUT I will say,
The emotional roller coaster that the Army throws at me has worn me down this week.
Evan's schedule literately changes every other day...I wish I was joking.
It just makes it hard planning...well...anything.
This makes me frustrated, therefore emotional. We all know how I love dealing with sappy, irrational girl feelings. Whatever girl emotions, you can't catch me! The only thing I can do about this is take a big dose of suck-it-up and be ok with knowing I can't do anything to change it anyway.

Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary
His understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
31 But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

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